The Michael Moore Fan Base - New from Mattel

Hey soccer moms! School is out, and the Fourth of July is over. With nothing to blow up, torch, spindle, or mutilate, little Johnny and Jenny will be bored to tears. You'd better do something quick before they discover that mobile meth lab next door (or worse, join the new environmental movement). Not to worry, we've got a family do-it-yourself project that's sure to keep them entertained - the Michael Moore Fan Base.

The base itself can be made from scratch, or you can go to a garage sale and pick up an old, filthy Playskool or Mattel doll house. Just make sure you design and install the trademark Fifth Column. Now it's time to decorate your base. Take a few of the small cocktail flag decorations you used as toothpicks on the fourth. Now set them on fire to show your "patriotism."

And what good Michael Moore fan base would be complete without the faux documentarian himself? Just take that Jabba the Hut inaction figure you used for BB gun practice when you were six. Drill a small hole in its back. Make sure the hole goes all the way out the bottom (if you can manage to get the hole to come out his tail, give yourself a little pat on the back). Next, take a small straw and fill the hole in Jabba's back with Wesson Oil. Tada! Now your hero leaves a trail of grease wherever he goes! Cool, huh?

Next, go to your little sister's room, and grab a dozen of those cute little Playskool sheep from her toy farm. Using a fine-tipped Sharpie, draw a set of stitches on their heads, being careful not to smudge it. Make the stitches look like little Lammykins just had a lobotomy. These are the hundreds of mindless sheep who hang on to Moore's every word as if it were gold (or dope). If you run out of sheep, you can use goats and horses (but be sure to glue some cotton onto them first). Once you run out of animals, you can use human dolls (starting with Shaggy).

Remember that time in the fourth grade when that Japanese lady came in and taught you origami? It's time to put your skills to good use. Cut out several squares of aluminum foil (Reynolds is the preferred brand, but you can use Halliburton if you get in a pinch). Fold them neatly into small pyramid hats. You can probably guess where this is headed. Put them on the "intellectuals" who buy hook, line and sinker everything Moore says about Bush's "bin Laden connection" to global oil, the Masons, the Dixons, and the Kingston Trio.

All that's left is a video camera for our filmmaker. Barbie should have one, she's got everything. Now you're ready to go to work. Sheep, you know the drill - you shoot down every valid critique of Moore's lies as "hate speech." Don't forget to project your own lack of independent critical thinking skills onto others. Accuse them of being "nazis," "dittoheads," or "right wing Christian zealots." Hey, without a valid argument, it's all you've got. Oh, and don't forget to chant "Hey hey ho ho" every five seconds, just like the real mindless sheep.

If you're playing Moore, you've got the easy part. If a detractor somehow manages to make his way past the herd, just shove your camera in his face. Defending your argument is difficult, especially in light of the patently false claims you make on a daily basis. On the other hand, getting an up-the-nose shot of someone with whom you disagree is a walk in the park (and it's really funny)!