In a world exclusive interview, Cooper for President Campaign Manager (Michael Cooper's sister Sarah Cooper-Payton) sat down with John Fucking Kerry (Democrap Presidential Candidate) to discuss his pick for Vice President. We won't keep you waiting - it's John Edwards. Here's the interview:

 

Sarah: Good afternoon, Senator Kerry. Ummm... Is it just me, or have you shrunk? 

 

JFK:  No, it isn't you. I have definitely shrunk over the past several weeks, what with the Reagan funeral, Michael Moore's movie, Bill Clinton's book, and the fraudulent LA Times poll (in which 13% more Democraps than Republicans were surveyed). But don't worry, Dan Rather has personally assured me that CBS is doing all it can to put me in the White House.

 

Sarah: That's wonderful. So, can I ask who your running mate will be?

 

JFK: Can you keep it a secret?

 

Sarah: Absolutely. The only people who will know are the handful of readers at my brother's website.

 

JFK: "Cooper for President?" You gotta be kidding me. Nobody reads that site! Ha ha! Ok, I've picked John Edwards.

 

Sarah: Thought so! God, he's sooooooooooooo cute!!!

 

JFK: That's why I picked him. He's sure to win the confused feminazi vote (you know, women who desperately want to be lesbians because it's so "hip," but for one reason or another cream their jeans when it comes to sexist pigs like Bill Clinton). These women will fall all over themselves to vote for me now that I have Edwards on the ticket.

 

Sarah: Ha ha. And you can put me on that list! I just have one concern. Do you think voters will be confused with two Johns on the ballot?

 

JFK: Actually, that's our plan. As you recall, in 2000, the mongoloid masses in Florida (blue hairs, mostly) completely fucked up their ballots and voted for Buchanan because of the extremely difficult and unfair voting system which required them to vote for only one presidential candidate. Our research has shown that in order for Democraps to cast an accurate vote, the name of the candidate must be repeated at least twice. With John Edwards on the ticket, even if they vote for the wrong John, they're still voting for me. Get it?

 

Sarah: God, you are a genius! It makes me happy to be a Democrap. So apart from winning the 'tard vote, and getting soccer moms all hot and moist, what other advantages does putting John Edwards on the ticket create?

 

JFK: I'm glad you asked. Are you familiar with the hundreds of thousands of cretins who believe in Deepak Chopra, the Dalai Lama, healing auras, and feng shui?

 

Sarah: Am I? Hell, I've got a picture of the Dalai Lama on my dresser! 

 

JFK: As I knew you would... Anyway, our research has shown that the typical Oprah fan will actually confuse John Edwards with renowned channeller John Edward. He's the host of "Crossing Over," the show that takes advantage of the weak at the most vulnerable point in their lives and pretends to tell people all about their deceased loved ones. These dumbass women will knock each other over in order to register Democrap once they (mistakenly) think that we've got John Edward on the ticket.

 

Sarah: Hahahahahahahahahaha! God, I love this country. I mean, as a progressive Democrat, I hate this country, and I want everyone to die and be taken over by the Islamists, but at times like this, I actually LIKE this country. It's difficult to explain.

 

JFK: Don't worry, I know exactly what you mean. I also want to see as many American men and women come home in body bags as humanly possible. That way I can gloat about Bush's policy in Iraq which I voted for. You see, I voted for it, and I thought Saddam had WMD and links to Al Qaeda, but I changed my mind after the war started to go badly. Now whether I'm for it or against it depends on what my mood I'm in on any given day... It's difficult to explain.

 

Sarah: Don't worry, I know exactly what you mean.