When I'm driving down the freeway, I often think to myself "I wish I had a dollar for every idiot, dipshit and tard in the world." Haven't we all thought that? Believe it or not, somebody actually has several dollars directly from every idiot, dipshit and tard in the world. His name is Michael Moore. Apart from the obvious reasons why Michael Moore sucks, I'm going to first put forward my credentials. Moore has often criticized Americans as being the dumbest people on the planet, saying that most Americans have never even left the country. As someone who has lived in Japan, is fluent in spoken and written Japanese, and who has been around the world, I am clearly not one of the idiots. So here's my opinion.

 

Michael Moore isn't funny. He's painfully boring. His short-lived television series (TV Nation) sucked. Sure, there was one segment where he had a professional clown go out to a white separatist compound in Montana or somewhere and sing about "love" to the members as they arrived for their big klan rally. That was pretty funny. But that's about it. Moore also had a Corporate Crime Chicken (some guy dressed up in a chicken mascot costume who would go around fighting "corporate crime"). One of the "criminals" was a company who made baby walkers. Apparently, mothers leaving their infants unsupervised in one of those things for hours at a time caused some of the little angels to fall down a flight of stairs. Tragic, for sure, but hardly a "corporate crime." Eventually, it was determined that these devices weren't good for the normal development of a baby's legs, and the sales dried up completely. Hmm. Isn't that a case of the market taking care of itself?

 

Michael Moore provides nourishment for the brain-dead masses. The people who wait in line to see his "documentaries" (and then forward everybody they know emails about it) are some of the most uninformed troglodytes this country has ever seen. How else can you explain their jubiliation over the re-hashed urban legends, half-truths, and edited news clips shown in Fahrenheit 911?

 

Bush was on vacation for much of his first term? Ho hum. That one is about as old as the hair on granny's ass (and twice as dusty). Anyone with the slightest interest in current events already knows this (and they also know that much of Bush's "vacation" was spent on his Texas ranch, where he has full video and audio linkage, allowing him to conduct business in an environment where he isn't being pestered 24/7). Now I've got that goddamn Go-Gos song stuck in my head. Fuck!!

 

But let's have an open and honest discussion about George Bush's performance before and after 9/11. In fact, let's buy into Moore's premise that Bush knew about the attacks before they happened, and it was all part of his plan to hold the country in a panicked state so he could push through a right-wing agenda. That's essentially the premise of the movie, is it not? Then I assume Moore can adequately explain the Bali bombings. Was that Bush's doing as well? What about the train bombings in Madrid? Or the countless attacks by Islamists around the world? And I'd just like to say that Bush's so-called "right-wing agenda" is giving me the shits. Increased medical spending for blue hairs? Increased funding for AIDS programs in countries that hate our guts? How about playing paddy-cake with the terrorist throat-cutters in Iraq? Is that somehow considered "right wing?" Again, anyone with critical thinking skills (or a functioning brain stem) can see right through this drivel. The idiots who lap up Moore's bullshit like they were girls in a KISS video are mindless followers. The ones who aren't brain dead are actively working for the defeat of The United States at the hands of the Islamists.

 

Here's another thing about Moore: he's a coward. He didn't have the balls to debate Phil Hendrie last week (even though he said on Letterman that he would debate anyone, anywhere at any time). That doesn't surprise me. Moore isn't very good at thinking on his feet. In interviews and "townhall" type shows, I've seen him totally dumbfounded when (after railing on about how much General Motors sucked for shutting down their Flint, Michigan plant) an audience member pointed out to him that he used to work near the plant and saw the parking lot full of Hondas, Toyotas, and other non-GM cars (driven by the slackass union members working at GM). He was also left looking like a fat moose in the headlights when someone pointed out to him that his tennis shoes were most likely made with cheap, third-world labor.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying corporations are all wonderful. Just take a look at the recently surfaced transcripts of the Enron execs a couple of years ago (bragging and laughing about how they took several power plants offline, just so they could jack up the prices and make "Grandma Millie" pay through the nose for her electricity). Many corporations are run by top-notch scumbags who don't give a crap about you or me. When they commit crimes, they should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. But apart from that, what's the solution? What other system would work better? Would the government do a better job of allowing people to create wealth in this country? I don't know. Look at Cuba. Look at North Korea. Does that answer the question?

 

It's obvious to me that Moore's core audience is made up of exactly the type of lazy, uninfomed cretins that he mocks. In fact, he knows these idiots like the back of his hand, so he takes advantage of them. Fine with me. However, I have a big problem when he commits treason by calling America's enemies in Iraq 'the resistance,' or 'freedom fighters.'

 

Perhaps the most shocking aspect about Moore is that he is not on the extreme left. Sure, he is an extremist, but he is firmly planted in the center of the new Democrap party, right next to Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, Tom Dasshole, and the other traitors who mock this country and its fight against terrorism. Quite frankly, these people want us to lose this war. They care far more about Abu Ghraib than they ever will about keeping America safe.

 

Finally, it is worth noting that Moore has actually done some good (even a broken clock is right twice a day). Take a look at what Scott Rosenmann (managing director of the Village Cineplex 7 in New York City) said after the premiere this week: "It's a record. People have been crying and applauding at the end of shows. Some say they don't want to live in America anymore." Amen to that. I heartily encourage anyone who sees this movie and wants to leave the country to just leave. You're most likely an unproductive burden on society, and we'd be much better off without you. If you would like to leave, but can't afford a plane ticket, ask Moore. He's stinking rich thanks to lemmings like you. And if he doesn't give you any money (it is a proven fact that he is quite an asshole) that's OK, too. There's always suicide.

 

If you must go to the movies (perhaps it's hot and you don't have air conditioning) go see Spiderman II. It's probably more historically accurate than Fahrenheit is anyway. Better yet, send your money to Mike Wilson. His documentary (Michael Moore Hates America) is slated for release later this year. And it goddamn well better be good, because I'm taking about ten people to see it. (If you must see a Michael Moore film, rent the documentary about his sexual exploits with the CEO of GM. It's called "Roger in Me").