As someone with a functioning brain (and the ability to use critical thinking skills), I was nauseated this week with the media's pronouncements that the 9/11 Commission "Debunked Bush's assertions that Iraq was involved in the 9/11 attacks." For those of you who missed it the first 10,000 times, President Bush never made that claim.The facts are (and the Bush Administration as well as several Democraps have stated) there were numerous contacts between Saddam's regime and Al Qaeda before and after September 11, 2001. From one of Saddam's generals meeting with Mohammed Atta in Prague, to one of his elite Fedayeen Saddam members participating in the meeting in Malaysia where Al Qaeda planned the 9/11 attacks, there are numerous examples of Al Qaeda and Iraq speaking to each other (saying God only knows what).

 

Are there any memos from Saddam to bin Laden showing a link between the two? Of course not. There aren't any memos from Terry McAuliffe to Mike Wallace, either. That doesn't mean that CBS isn't doing all it can to get John Kerry elected. The press and the DNC have a common enemy (Bush) and they are working towards the same goal. However, it does little good for me to complain about the "mainstream" media. As the Pew Research Center has proven, an overwhelming number of journalists are self-professed "liberals." That is an undeniable fact, and I can't change it.

 

Therefore, as a public service to you aspiring journalists out there, I have created this guide to getting a nice, cushy job with a major newspaper (or television network). If you're fresh out of college, this advice is worth its weight in gold (so be grateful). In order to fit in with the mainstream media, all you have to do is manipulate whatever data exists to suit your viewpoint (unless you're a conservative, then you'll be held to a higher standard). Selective data reporting is unthinkable in science (and in the corporate world, it can land you in prison). Fortunately, you're a "journalist," and nobody can touch you! Don't forget to use a Straw Man Argument (like they did with the Bush-Iraq-9/11 connection meme). Here are some examples of selective data (and some outright slight of hand). Feel free to use them:

 

Fact: The 9/11 Commission (while admitting there were several loose ties between Iraq and Al Qaida as well as overt ties to other terror groups like Hamas) has determined that Iraq was not involved in the 9/11 attacks (which isn't surprising, because Bush never said they were).

Headline: "Bombshell: Commission Disproves Bush's Assertion Saddam Hussein Personally Flew the Planes into the World Trade Center"

 

Fact: Over 1.3 million jobs have been created over the past year.

Headline: "Americans Face Health Care Crisis"

 

Fact: Al Qaeda initially wanted to hijack and crash 10 planes across America, but bin Laden thought it would be too complicated. So in 1996, he scaled it down to four airplanes.

Headline: "Terror Threat Cut in Half During Clinton Administration"

 

Fact: There have been no additional terrorist attacks on American soil since John Ashcroft put the smackdown on several "visitors" from certain parts of the world.

Headline: "Civil Libertarians Warn of Rights Abuses Under Ashcroft"

 

Fact: Bush's tax cuts have put more money into peoples' pockets. As a result, they've been able to spend and invest more, and the economy has rebounded.

Headline: "Bush Claims Tax Cuts for the Rich Have Helped Ailing Economy"

 

Fact: The stock market drops ten points from 10,356 to 10,346.

Headline: "Stock Market Plummets Amid Rising Body Count in Iraq"

 

Fact: Although they are starting to creep back up, interest rates are at record-level lows.

Headline: "Low Interest Rates Are Hurting Elderly Bond Investors"

 

Fact: In February, John Kerry was whining about Bush raising more money that he was (money which came from average Americans, by the way).

Headline: "Bush's Unprecedented War Chest Raises Spectre of Money in Politics"

 

Fact: Today Kerry is quickly catching up to Bush in his fundraising and is expected to surpass him, getting tremendous support from questionable characters like George Soros and shadowy "independent" media outlets.

Headline: "Groundswell of Kerry Support Spells Trouble for Bush"

 

Fact: The bloodthirsty fucking Islamists savages (who the Marxist idiots like Kerry tell us aren't a threat) did it again this week, when they beheaded Paul Johnson in Saudi Arabia.

Headline: "Militants Decapitate American as Revenge for Abu Ghraib Prisoner Abuse"

 

Here are some other methods of manipulating news stories to get only the Democrat viewpoint across. The bottom line is that you must never anger the three-headed monster known as the Liberal Democrat Marxist Party. Your friends (the Democraps) will invariably speak from all three heads with the following self-contradictory bullshit:

 

1) "Bush is exaggerating the terror threat. He is scaring Americans in order to get us into a perpetual war on terror."

 

2) "Bush hasn't done anything to protect us from the terrorists. We're all in grave danger."

 

and

 

3) "America (Bush, mostly) created Saddam (or bin Laden). He is our Frankenstein's monster, and his threat to us depends on what kind of mood we're in on any given day."

 

The crown prince of the new Democrap party is, of course Michael Moore. If you want to be a good journalist, under no circumstances are you to challenge Moore on his views (especially his self-contradictory tripe listed in 1-3 above). Attack him for being "controversial," or "too in-your-face" in order to make people think you're going after him, but (as with Clinton) never attack the substance of what he's saying (or you'll be out of a job).

 

That is all.