If a website's popularity can be judged by the quantity and/or quality of hate mail it receives, Cooper for
President must be somewhere near the bottom of the barrel. Still, I suppose I should be grateful that I'm stuck with
the error-ridden drivel I receive as opposed to the rabid, anti-American, anti-Semitic "I'm going to kill you all" hate
mail that Charles gets at LGF. Of all the subjects or people I've made fun of at this site, none has earned me the scorn of more drooling idiots than this piece on Johnny Depp. True, my tone was a bit harsh, but you may recall we were at war in Iraq when Depp opened his big mouth to a kraut magazine
about how bad America sucks. Bottom line - I meant what I said.
As noted in another hate mail (scroll to the bottom), I have a big problem with people sending me poorly-written letters. Improper grammar is a pet
peeve of mine. However, I'm not one of those socially retarded Poindexters who points out a typo or an occasional punction
error as "proof" that someone's argument is invalid. As I've said before, I usually clean up all hate mail before publishing
it on the site. However, some emails are so poorly written, it would be a crime not to ridicule their
authors. I would have to say that the email below is probably the worst I have received to date. Normally, I would have my
neighbor girl (Little Miss Smarty Pants) write a response, but since she's out camping this week, I'll have to do it myself.
Here's the letter:
(Subject Line: No Subject)
Who do you think you are insulting a person who is so kind and modest at that!
It really bothers me that you wrote that article about Johnny Depp. And on top of that you hope he dies of lung cancer. You
may have a freedom of speech but you should really think about a persons feelings. I bet you would fell really guilty if he
did have cancer wouldn't you? I just thought that after reading your article you should know how I felt.
p.s. I think
you are a jackass for being so jealous of people who seem to be more fortunate than you. I see you as a fucking pig.and its
not infatuation when a person thinks that a another person is talented and handsome and by the way you look in your picture
you are ugly inside and out.
And you don't know what its like to lose someone you love or care for with cancer be
happy for that. But you shouldn't ever wish that kind of pain on a person ever!
oh yeah you are an asshole
anonymous
Dear sweet Jesus. Where do I start? First of all, if you’re going to begin your email with "Who do you think you
are insulting a person who is so kind and modest as that!" you need to put his name in the subject line, dipshit. Oh,
and you should have ended that sentence with a question mark. I have "a" freedom of speech? What does that mean, exactly?
Do I get to say whatever I want ONCE? How do you know that Johnny Depp is kind? What has he done for you? What has he done
for anybody? Your assertion that Depp is "modest" is way off base. You seem to have a tremendous language problem.
Even if I assumed that Engish isn't your native tongue, that still doesn’t explain your atrocious grammar,
punctuation, and creepy idol worship. You need to put down Tiger Beat and People Magazine for a couple
of months and learn to construct a proper sentence. I'm just glad that Little Miss Smarty Pants is on vacation this week. It would have cost me $50 to have her clean up the errors in your email.
You said "I bet you would fell guilty if he really did have cancer, wouldn't you?" The answer is no. I would not fall down
if Johnny Depp had the big "c." Or did you mean "feel" guilty? The answer is still no. Despite what people
in your feng shui group (or Deepak Chopra) told you, diseases are not caused by bad vibes or negative energy. Cancer, for
example, is caused by carcinogens (such as air pollution, cigarette smoke, or too much sunlight). I hope I made that simple
enough for you to understand. If not, I’d be willing to hire a clown to come to your house and demonstrate it with hand
puppets.
And would it hurt you to use an apostrophe once in a while? They’re free, you know (and since you’re probably
also on some fad diet, I hear they’re really low in carbs). Please stop with the junior high school philosophy ("You
made fun of Johnny Depp, so you must be jealous of him"). That one went out in the seventh grade. Using your "logic," you
must be extremely jealous of me (otherwise you wouldn’t have written such a nasty email). In fact, I think you want
to have sex with me because you said I was "ugly." Thanks, but no thanks. I’m married.
Since you’re such a shallow, superficial, Cinderella Complex mess (buying into that whole "Beautiful people are all
good, unattractive people are all bad" mentality you learned from Mother Goose and Barbie) why don’t you send us a photograph
of yourself? We can put it up on the website, and everyone can see what a "good" person you are. Here’s an even better
idea: stop living in your fantasyland and climb out of the Princess Di, JFK Jr., Ben-Lo, Entertainment Tonight fog you seem
to be living in. You must be tired of being an unproductive burden on society by now. Get with the program, sister.
And how retarded is it that you think I don’t know anyone who has cancer? Who doesn’t know somebody with cancer?
Both of my grandfathers died of lung cancer. So let me say for the record that I was venting about Depp. I don’t really
want him to get lung cancer. Actually, it would be funny if he were beheaded by one of the hundreds of thousands of Islamists
living in frogistan who he has given aid and comfort to with his treasonous diatribes against the U.S. But apart from that,
I wish him well.
Good luck with your life.
Yours truly,
‘Coop
PS: FOAD
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