Since running our Socially Retarded Behavior at Work column, we have received several emails reminding us of things we left out. Here's one from James T:

 

 

 

Blech! I know exactly what you're talking about, James. The sound alone is like fingers on a blackboard to me (not to mention if you're anywhere near them, you have to avoid the barrage of incoming fingernail chunks).

 

Here are some more behaviors we left out. Thanks to all who sent in your contributions:

 

Proudly displaying those useless "motivational" signs such as "Teamwork" (even though you're a complete backstabbing prick). Here's a company who has figured out a solution for those signs: www.despair.com.

 

(Managers) Giving financial incentives or bonus awards to a select few people in front of everybody else! I used to work with a guy who would give out quarterly commission checks to his team. However, he would do it in front ot the entire office (even though 80% of the people weren't even part of that program). He said it was a "motivator," I say it was "socially retarded." Dumbass.

 

Giving your coworkers cute nicknames like you did when you were in college. This has been made fun of to death on Saturday Night Live, but it STILL happens in every office in the country. If a guy's name is Steve, his coworker inflicted with Socially Retarded Disorder will say things like "Hey, Steve-a-reeno!" or "Hey, Stevie Wonder!"

 

(Men) Trying to relive your pathetic high school or college sports days by using stupid sports phrases and terms in your emails. If you send out an email to the engineers, sales, or whatever on the East Coast, and you open with: "Attention East Coast Players" you are socially retarded. Get a grip. It's over.

 

(Men) Ending your emails with some stupid phrase that you think will fool everyone into thinking you're a real go-getter. I once worked with a guy who would end his emails with "Remember: Second place is FIRST LAST!" Where is that guy now? Probably living under a fucking bridge somewhere, because he spent 99% of his time trying to convince everyone what a great worker he was, and only 1% of his time actually being a productive member of the company.

 

(Men) Being a blowhard. I can't tell you how many people I've met over the years who (at work or anywhere else) bragged about what they were going to do (then didn't do it). If you want everyone to think that you're the hero that YOU think you are, go out and do something. Believe me, we will notice. On the other hand, telling us about all your past accomplishments (which are mostly bullshit) or what you're going to do for the company is sad and pathetic. People like this are a dime a dozen.

 

Using tired buzzwords and catchphrases like "Think outside the box," or "Paradigm Shift." Consultants do this all the time (Outside consulting, by the way, is perhaps the biggest scam in the history of Corporate America. People come in, observe what's going on, gut the office, and fuck everything up. By the time things fall apart, they'll be long gone with their $100,000 "consulting" fee, while the regular schlubs are left putting the pieces back together again).

 

(Newbies) Being too chummy with the guys in their 30's and 40's. If you're fresh out of college, you don't know shit. I'm not trying to be mean, it's the truth. Don't act cocky or try to "buddy up" to the guys who have been there for 10 years or more. They have life experience, wives, kids, and an ulcer. You're not going to score points by joking about a grey hair you see on one of them. Furthermore, talking to your boss (or the boss' boss) about how satisfied he/she is with the job is just plain retarded.

 

(Guys in their 30's and 40's) Treating the newbies like shit. This isn't "Survivor," and you're not playing for a million bucks. Don't go out of your way to be cold to the new guy. Show him the ropes. If he ends up being a prick, then hang him with the rope you've shown him (you know what I mean).

 

Talking about "the wife." Perhaps nothing is as annoying as guys saying "the wife" when talking about the woman they married. Come to think of it, the word "hubby" is worse.

 

Using the term "Oriental" or being otherwise culturally retarded. I can't tell you how many people I've worked with who think that Chinese and Japanese people speak the same language! Get a clue, or you'll be out on your ass.

 

Being a sexist pig. True, I'm an anti-feminist, but for God's sake, do you really think it's appropriate to leer, stare, or comment on the specific body parts of a female coworker? Joking and bantering back and forth is one thing, being a complete asshole is another. It continues to amaze me that in this day and age there are STILL men (70's throwbacks, mostly) who hug, put their arm around, or massage the shoulders of any woman they come up behind. And please stop with the kiss on the cheek. You're not from Europe, and we all know you're just an old fucking pervert. You're only going to ruin it for the rest of us.

 

Having shitty phone etiquette. When answering the phone or giving someone a response, don't say "Hello," "Yeah," or "Fajizzle." How many people out there are as sick as I am of getting shitty customer service from some dumb bitch who can't say "I'm sorry, Mr. So-and-So isn't here right now?" I realize it's easier for you to say "He ain't here" and just leave it at that, but you're getting paid to represent your company. Be polite and offer alternate ways of getting in touch with Mr. So-and-So, or you'll be collecting government cheese for the next year.

 

And the most socially retarded thing people do at work:

 

Talking about golf or anything related to golf. Stop it. If I see one more guy taking a fake "swing" like he was Tiger Woods, I'm going to plant a crackpipe in his desk then call security. Loser.