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Last week, the Cooper for President team ran an article on how admitted Green River Killer Gary Ridgway could have walked if he had done one of two things: (1) Converted to Islam (2) Said he was simply performing late-late-late
term abortions.
I would like to personally apologize on behalf of the entire Cooper team. We now realize that we left out many more excuses
that Ridgway could have used, and we are deeply sorry for letting them slip by. Here are additional ways Gary Ridgway could
avoid jail time:
 Embrace the current "slut" "ho" and "pimp" culture. If anybody on the jury is a member of Generation
P (for Pimp), Ridgway would be smart to go out and buy a purple suit, some gold chains, a pinky ring and at least one gold
tooth. Anyone with a television knows how popular being a "pimp" has become. In fact, if women don't willingly embrace the
title "ho," "slut," "bitch," or "c**t," their names are placed in an "uncool" database (which prevents them from ever
receiving college loans, and bars them from renewing their driver's license). If Ridgway shows up in court
with a medium-sized wall clock around his neck (talking about how he "put the slap down" on 48 of his "bitches") he will
most assuredly be embraced by such television shows as "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Bitch-Slappin'
Hour with P. Ditty and 50 Cent." Hell, he might even make a good "Rock the Vote" presidential candidate!
Join the Taliban. Admittedly, it's a bit late for this one, but Ridgway blew it when he didn't join
up with the Taliban and go to Assramistan to participate in the "inner struggle" against the Americans. If he would have grown
a bin Laden flavor saver, dressed up in rags, and took pot shots at our troops, he would now be in sunny Guantanimo Bay (receiving
nothing but lavish praise from the International Red Cross and Amnesty International). Instead, he's left to rot in some stinky
jail cell in smelly Seattle.
Admit he's a cop killer. Here's an easy one. If Ridgway says that he was under the impression that the
48 prostitues he killed were actually undercover police officers, he will quickly be elevated by the leftist America-hating
garbage (Ed Asshole, Tim Rubbins, Martin Estivez-Sheen, et. al). Just look at how much they absolutely love convicted
cop killer Abu Mumia Jamal (no, not the kid from the Cosby Show, that was Malcolm Jamaal Warner, but it's an honest mistake).
Show up in blackface. It may not be very politically correct (although I hear Ted Danson does it all
the time), showing up to court in blackface (and changing his name to Leshon) will most assuredly spare him any real
punishment. At minimum, it will score him major "Sharpton points" with the Race Mafia. The excuses will come pouring out of
the mouthes of Jesse Jackson and Julian Bond (and Ridgway will not have to expend any effort on his own - other than the face
paint, that is).
Please let us know if we left anything out.
'Coop'
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