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How to Become a Black Activist
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How to become an African American Community Activist
 
As someone who has worked his way up in life, I have seen all sides of American culture and society. And unlike a large part of the check-pants country club Republicans (or snooty, prep-school, pampered Democraps) I know what I'm talking about when I discuss issues of racial diversity, class, poverty, or whatever. Statements from racist blacks like Al Sharkton don't intimidate me. I've known his kind, and I don't fall for his bullshit. Unlike many others in politics, I don't curl up in the fetal position whenever the race mongers snap their fingers (whether it's Robert KKK Byrd or Julian NAACRAP Bond).
 
I understand that blacks have had a rough go of it in this country for centuries. So have Asians, and Jews, and the Irish. So get over it. And please stop using your race to shake down corporations or score votes for white people who don't give a shit about you (hello, Senator Kerry).
 
But I realize that despite what I say, there will inevitably be several young African American men (fresh out of college) who aspire to becoming the next Jesse Jackson. For you, I have decided to write a primer on how to become a race-hustling black activist-pimp. Here are the three biggest methods for working your way up from graduate, to con man, to race baitor:
 
1) Go to every school board meeting you can, even if you don't have children. Decry the fact that "Black History Month" is too short, and should become "Black History Decade." Make sure that classes are Afro-Centric and teach revised history and inaccurate science. Christmas vacation (currently known as 'winter holiday') should be renamed "The Kwanzaa Period of Rest." The fact that George Washington Carver invented peanut butter should be mentioned repeatedly throughout the school year. Ebonics should quickly replace English Literature (which is a topic for white homosexuals or Limeys anyway).
 
Chinese inventions such as paper and gun powder should be attributed to Africans. Be sure to slip in a few urban legends such as "Dr. Pepper causes sterility in black men," or "AIDS was invented by The Jews in order to kill off the black race." Even the most open minded cracker will eventually get the 'hint' that they're not wanted.
 
2) Every summer, have a neighborhood community festival (but don't call it that, because it's too white sounding). Call it something with 'hood' in it, like Portland, Oregon's "Good in the 'Hood" celebration. This will rub Whitey's nose in the fact that you have no class or community pride, and will make him miss his old "Brewfest" days. If "hood" doesn't work for you, be creative. Call it "Ghetto Fest 2004" or "Fun in the Slums."
 
3) Start an ongoing feud with a local convenience store owner. Even though he's Korean, use offensive (and inaccurate) racial slurs such as "chink." Bemoan the fact that his prices are higher than Wal-Mart's (but don't tell him that you were on the committee that prevented Wal-Mart from coming to your neighborhood). Remember, for every dollar of product this guy sells, another $2 in merchandise is "liberated" by the fine, upstanding youth (and several adults) in the community. Eventually, after being robbed at knifepoint three weeks in a row, the store owner will wise up and buy a gun.
 
When the inevitable shooting of an "innocent" African American youth occurs (and it will occur), make it your life's mission that the store owner is not only sent back to Korea, but that he's sent to NORTH Korea. Remember, anybody who isn't black that sells goods or services in your community is "taking advantage" of you. Any store owner that decides to leave the community (or doesn't set up shop there to begin with) is a "racist." You're covered either way!

(C) 2004, Cooper for President

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