It's that time of year again, folks, when the lamestream media (most notably local newscasters) fall all over themselves trying to give you advice on how not to die over the summer. The advice usually consists of such gems as "It's hot outside, so drink plenty of water, wear a hat, and be sure not to fall asleep naked outside under the burning sun for 12 hours." Brilliant, eh?

 

Since we need all the votes we can get, the Cooper for President team has come up with our own list of obvious, self-explanatory advice on how not to die a humiliating, embarassing death between now and Labor Day. Please pay attention (there is a common thread running through many of these). Here are the behaviors to avoid:

 

Drunk Driving - This one's a no-brainer, but every year thousands of idiots get loaded (most notably on the Fourth of July) then plow into a tree (or some unsuspecting family). Of course, the drunk driver is usually spared (but he ends up wiping out his entire block). If you kill a family (except for their 3-year-old who will have to spend the rest of his life as an orphan with no brothers or sisters all because you have no self control), you will surely go to hell.

 

Drunk Boating - People who drink while piloting a boat are some of the dumbest people on the planet. You will crash, take on water, scrape the bottom of the boat, or get caught up on the rocks. And even if you're part of the 1% that isn't completely hammered by noon, don't even THINK about making it past the point at which the two main rivers in your state converge. You will flip the boat. And we will laugh at the footage on the news.

 

Drunk Swimming - This bit of advice is aimed at the kids who are too young to own a car or a boat. While jumping into a freezing river with your clothes on may seem like a good idea after a few Schludweizers, you must fight the urge. If you simply cannot resist drinking and swimming, go to a public pool. At least they have lifeguards there.

 

Drunk Diving - Not DRIVING, "diving." Not a year goes by without at least five idiots from every town in America diving into a lake, creek, river, or pool, only to hit their heads on the rocks below. If you don't die, you will be a cripple for the rest of your life. I swear to God, I see this every year, and yet people never seem to get the message. There's a reason they call it "High Rocks" or "Suicide Bridge." Don't jump, dumbass!

 

Drunk Fishing - As with boating, there is no such thing as a non-alcoholic fisherman. In fact, most states won't issue you a fishing license unless you blow at least a 0.8. But that doesn't give you the right to walk way out into the river until your boots fill up with water, pulling you to the bottom. Depending on the size of your town, there will be anywhere from 5 to 10 of these this summer.

 

Drunk Barbecuing - Ahhh. Nothing like the smell of charred meat sizzling on the grill. OH SHIT - THAT'S YOUR HAND!! Although it's incredibly boring to BBQ while sober, please resist the urge to stick your face on the grill to impress your friends. And for God's sake, don't huff fumes from the propane tank, no matter how much it makes you forget about your miserable life. Every summer there are at least two major BBQ related accidents in every town (usually involving the same jackass who burned his house down last Thanksgiving by operating one of those turkey deep fryers on his wooden deck). Just go to McDonald's.

 

Drunk Fireworking - While there's nothing more fun and rewarding than slamming back a few beers, smoking a Cuban or two, and lighting off 'works to celebrate the fact that this country is superior to all others, making your own fireworks is a bad idea right out of the gate. If you buy some dry ice, put it in a plastic bottle with some water, and secure the cap really tightly, the only thing that will happen is the bottle will expand to the point that you'll be afraid to pick it up the next morning when it's time to sweep up the garbage. And don't invite your cousin who knows how to make pipe bombs. Just do what the rest of us true-blue Americans do - go to the Indian Reservation and get some cherry bombs. Oh, and if you live in a pussy state like Oregon or California (which doesn't allow anything more dangerous than snakes or poppers), you have my deepest sympathies. You should really consider moving.

 

.... and for those of you who don't drink, there are a handful of ways to kill yourself without the use of alcohol (which will nevertheless bring shame and humiliation to your family):

 

Stealing a Car - If you think it will be cool to steal some guy's truck, think again. See that "Marines" sticker in the window? That's right - if you even TRY to open the door, the car's owner will beat the living shit out of you (or worse). Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

Hiking, Backpacking, and/or Mountain Climbing - Even the most skilled climber has an accident once in a while. While you're perfectly within your rights to climb Mt. Rainier, Mt. Hood, or Mt. Pinatubo, if you fall into a crevasse, I will bury my boot in YOUR crevasse. Don't waste taxpayer money by making the "5th Mountain Rescue Wing" or whatever send a chopper after your sorry ass. Just do us all a favor and die (or stay home).

 

... and the most painfully retarded way to buy the farm:

 

Leaving Your Window and/or Door Open and allowing a rapist to come in and murder your entire family. Buy a fucking air conditioner or sweat it out. Sure, it gets hot during the dog days of summer, but if you live in a shitty neighborhood go camp in the grocery store for a week like Al Bundy did. You think it's hot now, but just think how hot it will be when an escaped serial killer named John Wayne Something crawls through your open window and holds a knife to your daughter's throat, all because you're too much of a pansy to take a little heat. Shut your fucking windows, dummy!

 

If you do find yourself committing any of the above acts, just remember these three words: "It's Bush's Fault." Or is it Rumsfeld's fault this week? Check your local listings....