|
Howdy, my fellow crazy, wacky Americans! Yakov is back with new "What a fucked up country." This week, I have decided to make fun of my adopted homeland, the United States. I hope you don't get too angry with Yakov.
America is greatest country in the history of world. There has never been country where so many people had so much individual power or wealth. As result, many Americans are fat and lazy. This is too bad, but it gives Yakov good material for jokes. Here we go:
America - What a (fucked up) country! I mean, everybody is on some form of low-carb diet, but they keep getting fatter. Because Americans have so much money and leisure time, they end up getting bored and taking everything for granted. Many people born with silver spoon in mouth actually HATE this great country. How fucked up is that? Just look at the (how-do-you-say) "Trustafarians." There is nothing funnier than upper-middle-class white college student who denounces capitalism and joins Earth Liberation Front or left-wing hate group like A.N.S.W.E.R.
And what about Teddy Kennedy? You can't get much more fucked up than that guy. Just last week he was talking about prison abuse scandal in Iraq. He said things like "America's credibility was damaged beyond repair," and "The whole world hates America." Now, English may not be Yakov's first language, but I have been here long enough to know what Senator is talking about. Just like "Pneumonia" has silent "p," Senator Kennedy's statements start with silent "I hope." Here's what he was really trying to say "(I hope) America's credibility was damaged beyond repair," and "(I hope) The whole world hates America." The good senator feels guilty about America. Because he grew up in rich and powerful family, he was able to manipulate system and get away with drowning that poor girl. Yakov was psychologist in former Soviet Union, but in this case, it is obvious. Why else would Teddy ignore the fact that in prison abuse scandal, America's military court is putting these people on trial? Why would he now just assume that America is as bad as the terrorists? That's right - because he hates America.
In this country, children are taught to think of themselves as superior to everyone else, even if they are stupid, have no talent, and are socially retarded. Let me talk about commercial that is best example of what makes America so fucked up. There was recently Mother's Day commercial where little girl empties her piggy bank. She has about $3.00 in change, and she asks her feminized dad if that is enough to buy nice diamond necklace for mother. Her pussified father says "It is more than enough." So he buys the necklace FOR her, and when her mom present, she is thrilled. The daughter then gets smug, arrogant self-centered look on her face and says "I did it ALL BY MYSELF." I can assure you that if this continues, that girl will have inflated self-ego and end up sodomizing Iraqi prisoners with Glo-Sticks when she grows up.
Although that would have been perfect time for father to tell daughter "No, honey, this is not enough, but let's work together," he could have taught her how to count money and to add and subtract. But to weak American parents, being your kid's "pal" is more important that actually teaching her and acting like real parent. If you are laughing right now, you know exactly the type of parent Yakov is talking about. If you are angry right now, you probably ARE the type of parent Yakov is talking about.
And what is up with "Rock the Vote?" I don't understand this... Has America become so weak and retarded that we have to make voting "cool," in order to get idiot with pierced tongue to actually care about this country? Personally, I had to go through a lot in order to come here and earn the right to vote. I don't think I want some tattooed whore wearing low-rising jeans with tattoo in middle of back waking up on Election Day trying to shake off the "X" she had at last night's rave party, going down to voting booth to put John Kerry in White House because old woman with large gap between front teeth named Madonna told her to. But to Democrap party, this girl is (how-do-you-say) the "prime demographic."
In America, homosexuality and lesbianism are fashion statements, not sexual orientations. I don't know why this is fad today, but it is. I think it is now mandatory in order to graduate high school. And please don't get me started on "wiggers." Some pasty white kid with his pants halfway down showing his boxers and talking like Vanilla Ice should not be allowed to leave house, much less vote. But that is OK. As long as Howard Stern is on, or there is Emenem video playing, he probably won't even know it's Election Day.
Now that Yakov thinks of it, this article hasn't been very funny. I apologize. But it makes Yakov angry to think of so many stupid people who are in this great country, especially when there are much smarter immigrants and others who would love to come here instead. How about this? We should have all 18-year-olds in America take test. Test will have questions about Constitution and current events. If person knows more about Survivor contestants than they do about world leaders, that person must go live in North Korea. In exchange, a person from foreign country (who CAN pass test) gets to come live in America. That sounds fair to Yakov. Otherwise, this will continue to be great, but fucked up country.
Thank you. Thank you.
Related Articles
*Note: Not affiliated with Yakov Smirnoff or his agency. This is a satirical look at the world through the eyes of the one-and-only Yakov Smirnoff (had he actually been writing for us, which he wasn't). So please stop sending us those threatening letters. I don't even know what a subpoena is. Man, this is worse than former Soviet Union.
|
