As the future President of the United States (and let's be honest, it's pretty much a done deal at this point), I, Michael Cooper, will make it a priority to outlaw two things my first day in office:

 

 

and

 

 

As much time as I spend campaigning across the country, I have seen every form of Socially Retarded Restaurant Behavior imaginable. Here's a list:

 

Blowing your nose in public - This one must have been considered really cool in about 1948, because no matter where I go, all men in their 70's and 80's (without exception) not only blow their nose on a handkerchief, they feel compelled to look at it, then put it back in their pocket. Stop it, or I'm calling Jack Kevorkian.

 

Ordering something that isn't on the menu - Look, it's one thing if you want the house burger without the house dressing, but don't ask the waitress for something that isn't even on the friggin' menu. If you want a lean buffalo patty with no mayo on rye mixed in with a bed of twigs and egg whites, go the fuck home and make it yourself.

 

Telling everyone about the goddamn fad diet you're on - Let me say this up front. We don't give a shit if you're on Atkins, LA Weightloss, or The Karen Carpenter Diet. You're still a pig, and even if you somehow DO buck the odds and lose a few pounds, you're only going to gain it all back in a week. Spare yourself the embarassment and stop talking about your fucking carbs.

 

Knowing too much about wine - Unless you're one of the Queer Eye Fag Five, shut the hell up about wine, OK? If I want wine, I'll order what I like. Don't tell me what wine goes with beef vs. what goes with fish. You're only making yourself look like the pseudo-intellectual homo that you claim not to be. Oh, and if someone has a beer instead of wine, don't try to make yourself feel better by insinuating that they are somehow less "sophisticated" than you. You'll only end up "outing" yourself in front of the whole table.

 

Commenting on what others are eating - If you're a vegan (or a red meat eater) don't say "eeeewwww" or ask "why don't you eat meat?" to someone at your table. Just be an adult for once and accept the fact that you're not the only person on this planet. Some people don't eat meat. Some people don't drink alcohol. Some people don't like sushi or seafood. That doesn't mean that you can use someone's eating habits to get yourself out of your spot as "biggest loser in your office" by making comments. You'll only end up looking like a junior high school idiot. You order what YOU want, they order what THEY want. End of story.

 

Being rude to the waitress - Don't take out your personal problems on the waitress. You'll only confirm everyone's suspictions that you're a complete prick. And for God's sake, don't scrunch up your nose and say "I don't like that" when the waitress is mentioning the specials. You'll make everyone else at the table nervous about getting gobs and gobs of spit in THEIR food because of your actions (and make no mistake, if you complain, you WILL get spit in your food).

 

Flirting with the waitress - Look, Cassanova. You're nothing special, and the waitress gets hit on by guys much better looking than you about 20 times a day. Just enjoy your meal, be cordial, and shut the hell up.

 

(Male servers) Sitting down at the table or booth when you take the customer's order - I think I speak for everybody when I say that we don't want some over-hyper quasi-homo guy sitting down across from us and trying to be our "pal." If you're a guy, you'll just have to accept the fact that you need to stick to the job and be a professional like every other working man in the world has to do. Female servers score major points by sitting down in our booth, because...well, because they're female. Double standard? Yep. Live with it. Don't sit down.

 

(Waiter/Waitress) Not writing down the order, then fucking it up - It's one thing to be able to remember everyone's special orders, but let's be realistic. We ALL need to write shit down. You're no different. If you want a decent tip, write down our order so you don't fuck it up. Don't try to impress us with your memory skills. You'll only make us nervous that you're going to fuck up our order (which you will most certainly do).

 

(Patrons) Letting your kids run around, scream, yell, or sit on the goddamn floor. There are some groups which are more likely than others to allow this (White Trashers and Esses). This isn't your house. You're out in public, which means (horror of horrors) you will actually have to devote energy and attention into parenting your children for about an hour. I realize this may seem unfair to you, but trust me, it's the way humans (and most mammals) have been operating for thousands of years. Keep your little bastard under control, and stop being so self-centered for once in your miserable life.

 

(Patrons) Undertipping - If you're at a restaurant with your church group (or business meeting), fine. But for the love of God, don't stay way past your welcome (2 hours), order nothing but coffee, soda, and "extra breadsticks," then get all cheap when it comes to leaving a fucking tip. The server's time (and the valuable space your fat ass is taking up) is worth money. Pay for it.

 

... and the absolute worst of them all:

 

(Servers) Making me wait too fucking long before you bring me the check - The next time I have to wait more than 15 minutes after finishing my meal before you bring me the bill (or if you bring the bill, then make me wait more than 15 minutes before you come and get my credit card), you're fucked. Not only will I consider the meal to be "gratas," the only tip you're getting from me will be a hand-written note on the back of a napkin which says "Don't make me wait again, asshole." If you need to go on break (or whatever it is you do when you dissappear for 45 minutes at a time), make sure you tell a co-worker to take care of the poor schmuck at "table five." Otherwise, I'm walking, and the meal is coming out of your paycheck. This is your last warning, jagoff.