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What is an "Esse?"
Great question (I'm glad I asked it). An Esee (or a Vato) is someone from Mehico that has no desire to become "Americanized"
(God forbid). Too many people lump all Hispanics (or even all Mexicans) together. That's a big mistake. Here's an easy reference
chart:
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| Normal Hispanic Male |
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| Deranged Vato |
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First of all, congratulations! You made it all the way from Challupah, Mexico to Medford, Oregon in the bed of a pickup
truck. And, since half your family died of dehydration, you're in a good position to sue the hell out of Uncle Sam for not
leaving numerous drinking fountains along the border.
Now it's time to think of what line of work you'd like to be in. Here are your options: Day Laborer, Carjacker, Drug
Dealer, Armed Robber, or Restaurant Worker. Remember, if you're going to work in a restaurant, it's absolutely crucial that
you learn to yell at your Hispanic co-workers at the top of your lungs in Spanish (right in front of the customers, of course).
This lets the customers know that you have nothing but disdain for them (and, since you're yelling in SPANISH, your boss wouldn't
dare violate your "civil rights" by firing your worthless ass).
But in order to be a "real" Esse or Vato, you really should be involved in some sort of petty crime ring. Identity
Fraud is a growing industry, thanks to all of you loyal, hardworking Esses. Be proud of your work.
Esses and Vatos also have a penchant for impregnating their (under age) girlfrends, then either getting married or moving
on to the next "puta." It's not uncommon to see an Esse in his mid-30's, walking around with his 15-year-old "wife."
Another common trait of the Esse/Vato species is an almost sexual-level fear of buying car insurance. You will never
hear an Esse doing a Geiko commerical. Another thing you won't see one doing is strapping in their little mijo into a baby
seat in the car. It's not part of the Esse culture. It isn't done.
Esses love to party. Anyone who's had the misfortune of camping next to a herd of Esses knows what I'm talking about.
First of all, they're up all hours of the night, they don't give a shit how loud they talk, and they blast that crappy accordion
"hee-haw" music as loud as possible. Of course, no one ever SAYS anything to them, because let's face it - nobody wants to
approach a dude who has completely shaven his head bald (but wears a "hair net" anyway), and is covered head-to-toe in Jesus
tattoos. It just doesn't seem like the smartest thing to do, so most people just shut up and take it.
I know many Mehicans get a bad rap. Let's face it, Americans look down on people who are here illegally. Most
legal immigrants hate illegals, by the way. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
There are many negative stereotypes surrounding the Border-Jumping community. I've come to learn that the stereotypes
are mostly bullshit. It isn't a guy named "Miguel" that fucks up your order at the Mickey D's drive-thru. No, it's usually
some fat white bitch named "Jennifer." And she has a crappy attiude. All in all, I like Mexicans (except, of course, for the
Esse/Vato crowd). I just wish they'd stop sending all their money down to Mehico using that money wiring place inside the
Check N Go. And they do have a tendency to bleed the system dry with "free" schooling and medical care for their numerous
offspring. And they really do behave in a socially retarded fashion most of the time. On second thought, I don't think I'm as fond of the "guest worker" population after all.
Adios!
Miguel Cooper
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