Due to mounting criticism on Capitol Hill over the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal, Donald Rumsfeld stepped down this morning in order to make way for a more Democrat-friendly Secretary of Defense. In an emergency press conference, President Bush thanked Mr. Rumsfeld and introduced the NEW Secretary of Defense, Barney the Dinosaur.

 

"I would like to show the people who hate America, especially the ones in this country who are trying to undermine our War on Terrorism, that I AM a uniter and not a divider," said President Bush. "That is why I have made this crucial decision at this time." Barney (everybody's least favorite annoying purple dinosaur) was chosen for the post only after the Bush administration rejected John Kerry's other suggestions (John McCain, Oprah Winfrey, Dr. John Grey, Phil Donahue, and the most unacceptable of them all, Senator Carl Levin).

 

Barney is best known for his uber-annoying children's show on PBS, where he frequently rails on such issues as the importance of taking turns and giving hugs. When asked about how he would handle the war in Iraq, the new Secretary of Defense said his first order of business would be to close down Abu Ghraib prison, the location for so much of the world's condemnation of the United States. Late Wednesday, Barney met with U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, whom he called a "Super-Dee-Dooper Secretary General." Barney made slight mention of the murder of Nick Berg, the American civilian who was decapatated at the hands of the bloodthirsty Islamists. Barney called the incident "regrettable," and said that it was most likely the result of a "misunderstanding." When several onlookers (enraged at the comments) started calling for revenge against the terrorists, they were arrested for "hate crimes."

 

Among other things, Barney intends to "mend fences" with the Arab Muslim extremists who want to slit all of our throats. He also says that he wants to teach the children of the world how to wash their hands and brush their teeth (a foreign concept to most Arab savages). Barney's platform includes fighting terrorism by reminding Islamists of the importance of "eating their vegetables," and "sharing." 

 

Predictably, marginal presidential candidate John Kerry criticized the move. "This president is arrogant. He has angered the Islamists who now want to attack us, even though they already wanted to attack us." We're still trying to translate that sentence, but it pretty much sums up the Democratic platform on Iraq. Kerry had no comment when asked why he left out schitzoid presidential candidate General Wesley Clark in his list of "appropriate" replacements for Rumsfeld (other than pointing to his head and making a twirling motion). However, Kerry did mention that another choice, General Barry McCaffrey, had already accepted a job with ESPN, given his expertise in "Monday Morning Quarterbacking." 

 

The United Nations passed a resolution this evening praising President Bush for the move. French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villagepeople summed it up best when he said "Anything that weakens America is OK by me." Barney intends to fly to Iraq next week to give moral support to America's enemies and to put an end to all of this fighting, noting that Islam is a religion of peace, which has been merely hijacked by a handful of radical extremists. When asked what he meant by a "handful," he replied "about a billion." We'll be sure to let you know how it turns out.