With NBC's disaster movie 10.5 airing this weekend (and the global warming crapfest The Day After Tomorrow scheduled to air later in the month), the Department of Homeland Security has released its watchlist for bad movie cliches. Please be on the lookout for any of the following (whether it be on television or during this summer's blockbuster season). We thank you for your attention:

 

1) Aliens who speak English

2) Athletic women who fall and twist their ankle when a bad guy is running after them

3) Ethnic stereotypes (like Judd Hirsch in "Independence Day")

4) Smarmy know-it-all types who keep predicting "the big one," but are ignored until it is too late

5) A street preacher (usually black) telling everyone to "repent" (but gets even less attention than the know-it-all in #4)

6) Hispanic Maid/Mom types, who are otherwise completely fluent in English, but still say "Gracias," and "Senior" so that you don't forget their ethnicity 

(Example: Mrs. Jones: "Maria, did you take the kids for their dental appointments, do our taxes, and translate that ancient Hebrew into Swahili?" Maria: "Si, Seniorita Jones. And I built that thermonuclear reactor you asked for. No problemo.")

7) A young, hip single woman coming home from shopping, with a baguette sticking out of the top of her grocery bag

8) A busy soccer mom coming home from shopping, with a large bag of Lay's potato chips sticking out of the top of her numerous grocery bags.

9) A criminal who is not only invincible, but is so smart it seems as if he knows well in advance where anyone will be at any given time (and can sneak into houses, cars, or secure areas without being noticed)

10) A homeless bum being portrayed as a "noble victim of the system" and has no drug or alcohol problems whatsoever

11) Crime-ridden streets that are supposed to be L.A. or Dallas, but look more like something out of Escape from New York (usually with newspapers blowing through the streets)

12) A cop who is killed by a criminal 15 seconds before his retirement

13) A police captain or chief who's strictly "by the book," and has an ulcer because he eats spicy foods and one of his cops is always breaking the rules

14) A cop who is either an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic

15) A WWII movie where the American solider gives a Japanese kid a Hershey bar

16) A coroner who eats his lunch in the middle of an autopsy (usually something greasy like pizza)

17) Someone coming home from work and opening the fridge to find (you got it) a couple of take out boxes from the local Chinese restaurant (this one is one of the dumbest. I don't know a single person who doesn't finish off their Chinese food in one sitting. Besides, it tastes terrible after it cools off)

18) A scientist with a virtually indestructable laptop (which not only never needs charging, it seems to be permanently linked to some god-only-knows website which provides instant info on hurricanes, airline specifications, troop positions, voice recognition, and pretty much everything ever conceived. And it never stalls or crashes)

19) A racist redneck who changes his ways at the end of the movie (when a black man, native American, or gay man saves his life)

20) Southerners being portrayed as goobers (even if the movie is about Feudal Japan and is set in the 18th century, it is required by law to include at least one Bible-thumping Southerner named Earl or Cletus wearing a NASCAR T-shirt and acting like a complete jackass)

21) An car in otherwise perfect condition not starting (because the bad guy's coming)

22) A cop who was traumatized because he accidentally shot a kid, but is able to redeem himself by shooting the bad guy at the very end

23) A cop who is on the outs with his family, but then his daughter (or wife) is kidnapped and he wins her love and respect by killing the bad guys

24) A Christian minister who is such a fraud and a charlatan that he would put Benny Hinn to shame

25) Busloads of Japanese tourists carrying about 15 cameras apiece around their necks

26) An otherwise well-coordinated woman trying to get away from a serial killer, and she drops her keys when she gets to the car. Once she finds the keys, she can't quite seem to figure out which one is the car key and how to put it in the ignition (but that's OK, because she invariably "floods it," and the car won't start until the very last second).

27) Asians doing Tai Chi in the park or on their back porch (this is also mandatory in every goddamn allergy medicine commercial I've ever seen)

28) Supposedly Japanese people being portrayed by Chinese, Vietnamese and Korean actors (and vice-versa, like Japanese actor Gedde Watanabe playing Long Duck Dong)

29) Terrorists and other bad guys who are lousy shots and are knocked out with one punch to the face or stomach

30) When a family finally escapes from a house fire (or tornado, sinking ship or whatever), their dumbass 8-year-old kid (usually named Timmy or Billy) puts himself back in harm's way to rescue their dog who was too stupid to follow them in the first place.

 

 

By no means is this a complete list. If you have suggestions that we neglected to mention, please send us an email at . If we use your suggestion, you get a big fat fistful of ummm... Nothing... Sorry...