Check this out. I'm driving home today (after a hard day's work of campaigning and chasing my secretary around a desk). My wife calls and asks me if I could pick up some Rum Raisin ice cream on the way home. So I'm in the store looking through the freezer and minding my own business, when an oddly-dressed, somewhat clean-cut guy in his late 20's comes up and starts talking to me. He begins innocently enough, then he hits me with this: "You're sure dressed nicely, what do you do for a living?"

 

 

1) A Homo

2) A Multi-Level Marketing Goober

 

Personally, I'm hoping for option #1. It's pretty easy to get rid of an aggressive homosexual. Don't get me wrong. I'm strictly "live and let live." If he's gay, all I have to do is talk about my wife and kids, and he'll move on to his next victim.

 

Unfortunately, he's as straight as they come. And he's a full-fledged, glossy-eyed MLM cultist.

 

It has been over five years since my last encounter with an MLM idiot. I guess it's a sign that the economy is in full recovery mode. I can say with some authority that MLMers are the most annoying SOBs on the planet, surpassing Jehovah's Witnesses, Deaniacs and those annoying "Will work for food" sign holders at freeway off-ramps.

 

For those of you in your early 20's (who missed the great MLM booms of the 70's, 80's, and 90's), MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) is essentially a pyramid scheme designed to put your greed to work for someone else. The "marketing" in multi-level marketing is nothing more than a ruse. Sure, they have cheap crap to sell (useless "nutritional supplements," detergent, water filters, etc.) but the main goal is to hire people to sell this crap for them. When people sign up, they are required to pre-purchase these items, and the revenue generated from the new recruits is what makes the company run. So how does the dumbass who just bought $500 worth of placebo vitamins make HIS money? You got it - he goes out and finds two other unsuspecting dupes to recruit into the "company."

 

Eventually, the people at the top of the pyramid are sitting on a shitload of cash. The people at the bottom (the newest recruits) are basically SOL, since there comes a point at which there are no more lemmings to be found. But worse than the illegality of such a concept are the attitudes expressed by these people. MLM is truly a cult in every sense of the word. These people are motivated by greed, the desire for a quick buck, and most importantly the urge to stick it to some other dumbass (so they won't feel like they were the only person gullible enough to sign up). Misery loves company, right?

 

Mixed in with this is an underlying Kool Aid mentality which makes the MLM members want to somehow "please" the leaders. They will do whatever they can to recruit more people, and eventually this means you. They will ask strangers, co-workers, relatives, and anyone they can find to join up.

 

For you college-aged kids, this advice is worth its weight in gold. So listen up (and buy a few items from the 'Tard Store). Everyone over the age of 30 has dealt with these people. Hell, a majority of us have actually gone to MLM meetings just to get the people hounding us to shut the fuck up. Don't do it. When you are approached, be sure to put an end to it right there. Once you go to a meeting, your phone will ring off the hook. Sure, it's fun to know that out of hundreds of people at these meetings, you're the only one with a brain, but the novelty wears off quickly as you realize you're surrounded by what can only be described as the economic equivalent of Jonestown. The idiots in attendance will buy word-for-word everything said by the frauds up on stage. They won't hesitate to believe that some dumbass with a mullett and no perceivable job skills was able to buy a Cadillac for his grey-haired mother after a month of selling vacuum cleaner bags. The night's festivities are usually concluded with a multimedia presentation involving such captains of industry as KENNY LOGGINS talking about how the world is essentially a poisonous wasteland that you can filter out if you're just willing to sell enough $300 water purifiers (which you can probably buy at Target for about 20 bucks). They'll talk about "hard water," "soft water," and "midi-cloridians" that need to be filtered out. There's always a healthy mix of pseudo science, religion, and Ralph Kramden's get-rich-quick mentality. 

 

If you have a friend or relative who has joined one of these groups, don't even bother trying to deal with them. These people don't take no for an answer. They are beyond hope (until they hit rock bottom and have alienated their entire family and get shit-canned from their regular job).

 

So if you get a call from an ex-girlfriend wanting to "chat," hang up. If your former college roommate wants to tell you about the "new business" he "owns," tell him to piss up a rope. And if your dad finally gets in touch with you, even though you haven't seen him since you were three, well.... don't say I didn't warn you.

 

 

1) Glossy eyes

 

2) Lemming mindset

 

3) Oddly dressed - looks like someone wearing a suit for the first time (with a goofy tie - possibly from the Bugs Bunny collection)

 

4) Socially retarded (in the sense that they ask personal questions within ten seconds of meeting you)

 

5) Shows an unhealthy interest in your kids names, your job, or where you went to school (ie. if you're wearing a sweatshirt that says "Iowa State" they will say "Hey - Iowa State, eh?" - even though they didn't go there)

 

6) Says they are a "business owner" - most legitimate business owners don't come up and start talking to strangers

 

And guys, if an ex-girlfriend calls you up (or an attractive woman on line at the bank starts a conversation) take the Tom Leykis route and ask her to go to the beach for the weekend. Hey, if she's going to play you, it's only fair that you do the same.

 

So how did I get rid of the guy at the store? I started talking like I was a hairlip, I rolled on the ground like I was having a seizure, and I pissed myself. That's the only way of dealing with MLM idiots (or is that Grizzly bears?). It works on either group.

 

That is all.

 

PT