President Bush humiliated himself and his country Monday evening when he cited the Hollywood blockbuster "Armageddon" as proof that America needs a missile defense system. This shameless lack of judgment (made during his speech outlining his plan for Iraq) could not have come at a worse time. By claiming that the Americans who gave their lives in order to destroy the asteroid (which was on a collision-course with Earth) should NOT die in vain, the president gave ammunition to his critics who have questioned his intelligence and sanity dating back to the 2000 election.

 

You don't recall this part of the speech? You didn't see Bush make a complete ass out of himself and confirm what Dan Rather, Bill Moyers and Michael Moore have been saying about him all along?

 

 

What IS happening, however, is long-forgotten Vice President Al Gore taking time out from receiving blood money from China in order to pimp the new movie "The Day After Tomorrow." The movie (based on a book written by Art Bell) is about a catastrophic global storm, and I'm sure that (like Armageddon, Twister, and Godzilla Meets Earthquake) the movie is going to suck. The third-tier actors appearing in the trailer spell that out quite nicely. I'm also sure it's going to be described as a "popcorn, roller-coaster, thrill ride" by some critic that nobody's ever heard of. Because like I said, it's going to suck.

 

And if we were to make a list of things that suck, Al Gore would have to be somewhere near the top. So would Moron.org. Both entities are pimping out the movie as "proof" of what could happen if Bush is elected to another term. Pretty pathetic, is it not? The only thing it proves is how stupid they think YOU are. And by YOU, I don't mean avid Cooper for President readers (I mean Joe and Jane Dumbass out there breathing through their mouths).

 

First of all, the movie is based upon a fucking ART BELL novel. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Art Bell. He is a radio pioneer, and I have listened to him for over a decade now. There is nothing creepier than falling asleep with the radio on and listening to Bell play that recording of "Bigfoot." And if you're asleep when dumbasses are calling in about their alleged ghost or UFO experiences, their stories will be incorporated into your dream. Perhaps the most entertaining aspect of Bell's show is his cadre of hapless guests. They are the bottom of the barrel, and if you like crap-can entertainment (which I do) it is some of the best. There's nothing like listening to some goober from Mooseturd, Arkansas, talking about how he's invented a "time machine" with a giant magnet and some old Wrigley's gum wrappers. Fucking brilliant!

 

The movie "The Day After Tomorrow" is essentially a live-action version of Captain Planet. The cartoon (is it still around?) was one of Marxist-Islamist Alliance member-in-good-standing Ted Turner's gems back when he had a network. It featured so many painfully retarded stereotypes and lame "save the environment" cliches, it would make Sting want to burn down the rainforest. The villains (usually loggers) were portrayed as evil rat-like creatures with huge fangs. Let me tell you something. My grandfather was a logger. I've known many people in the logging industry over the years, and I assure you none of them had fangs. Hell, most of them didn't even have teeth!

 

So go enjoy the movie (if you like that sort of drivel). Just don't get caught up in the hype (or we will make fun of you). Better yet, why not just take your kids and see a good movie? Shrek 2 was pretty goddamn funny. But if you must see The Day After Tomorrow, be forewarned: It's bound to be chock full of bad movie cliches. Now get back to work.