Hi there, you crazy Americans. I'm Yakov Smirnoff. You might remember me as 80's comedian from former Soviet Union. I used to make fun of the differences in American and Russian culture. My most famous line was "What a Country!" Do you remember that? Of course you do.

 

I went away for while, but I'm back now, and I'm more popular than ever. I work as guest writer at Cooper for President.

 

Is there anyone from Mexico in audience tonight? Yes? Good.

 

Mexico - What a fucked up country! I mean, how great can a country be where the main export is PEOPLE, and the main industry is cock fighting? And what about Vicente Fox? Is he fair weather friend or what? He tells President Bush to let the illegal aliens come to America, pay no taxes, then bleed the system dry. What does America get in return? You get to be bled dry. What a fucked up El Presidente!

 

And would it cause permanent injury to speak English for once? That reminds me of old Russian joke: "What does a Mexican and a billiard ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get!" Heh heh. No, but Yakov just kid. I like Mexican people. Well, except for the large percentage of serial killers who come from Mexico. Oh, and your music is retarded. You have accordions in your rock and roll. Those things do not belong together. Who are you supposed to be, Weird Al Gonzales?

 

And would it hurt to use condom once in a while? I thought it was bad in Russia, but this is ridiculous. You can't get 10 kids into one bedroom apartment. It doesn't work. Believe me, Yakov tried. And if that's not bad enough, this week it was revealed that Mexican candy company was putting LEAD into their candy. What was that for? Did they see James Cagney movies where he said "Eat lead, copper?" Lead is not good for you, it is bad. So don't eat Hot Tamales or whatever was that candy.

 

And speaking of tamales, a man in Mexico recently killed his friend, then cooked up his body to make tamales. No wonder Yakov always has diarrhea when I eat at the Taco House. And the medical system in Mexico is terrible. There was a woman two years ago who cut open her own uterus with rusty knife to deliver baby. In America, you have gold-plated medical care. In Mexico, they have rust-colored SILVERWARE. What a fucked up country!

 

Thank you! Thank you!