Terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden sat down this week with Bill Moyers for an interview scheduled to air later this month. The Cooper for President team has obtained an advance copy using our tried-and-true method of good old-fashioned theft. Here's the transcript:

 

Bill Moyers: I'm delighted to have one of my personal heroes with me today, none other than al-Qaida's number one man, Osama bin Laden.

 

OBL: Thank you Bill. I love your work and your commitment to "the cause."

 

Moyers (beaming): Thank you so much for saying that. I would like to first ask why you chose PBS for this interview.

 

OBL: Like I said, you guys have been wonderful to us. You've done all you can to portray America and George Bush in the most negative light possible. I suppose I could have gone on 60 Minutes, but I don't have a Simon and Schuster book to pimp out!

 

Moyers (chuckles): What about Air America, the new "progressive" talk radio network?

 

OBL: Are you kidding me? All SIX stations? No way. Besides that Mongoloid looking guy, what's his name, Al Franken, he owes me $20. Those guys don't pay their bills. And sorry if I sounded like I'm making fun of people because they look retarded.

 

Moyers: No, that's fine. Mr. Franken does look like he has Down Syndrome. In fact, I believe he was diagnosed with it several years ago.

 

OBL: So I wasn't imagining that?

 

Moyers: I'm afraid not. 

 

OBL: Thank Allah.

 

Moyers: Let's get down to business. You are of course best known for the attacks of September 11th, which left approximately four people dead.

 

OBL: What? FOUR? No, we killed more like 3000 people. Why do you say four?

 

Moyers: Are you sure? I was certain it was four. You have Kristen Breitweiser's husband, Mindy Kleinberg's husband, then the other two "Jersey Gals." I've had them on my show every week for two years, and they are pretty adamant that their husbands were the ONLY people killed on 9/11.

 

OBL: No. You know how women are.. They're just trying to turn the WTC attacks into a winning lottery ticket for themselves.

 

Moyers: I guess you're right. I hate being taken advantage of like that. Damn! Say, I notice you're wearing a Dennis Kucinich pin. Is there any chance you could be persuaded to join the Kerry camp?

 

OBL: Yeah, I'll probably hold my nose and vote for Kerry in November, but I really wanted Kucinich to get the nomination. Nobody has done as much to undermine the war on terrorism as he has. God bless him. He didn't even want America to fight the Taliban.

 

Moyers: I don't care WHO the nominee is, I just want someone to defeat Bush.

 

OBL: Amen, and praise be to Allah. George Bush is a Crusader. He is using America's military power to try to prevent the global jihad. He's trying to stop me from making America into an Islamic state and putting women into burquas. He wants to keep people like me from turning the world into one big crappy Quentin Tarantino movie. He is a... a....

 

Moyers: A MADMAN?

 

OBL: Yes. A madman. What kind of person would want to stop the global jihad? Why does he want to prevent me from chopping off arms and burying women alive who dress provocatively? This is really insane, and I appreciate that John Kerry said he will stop the war and treat this as a "police" action. Ha ha ha!

 

Moyers: Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, he's what America needs right now.

 

OBL: America? Hell, he's what NORTH KOREA needs right now. Ha ha ha!

 

Moyers: Let me ask you what everybody has wondering for almost three years now. Why DO you hate America? I like to think that it's because of Bush and Christians. The DNC has tried to blame American foreign policy and the fact that we didn't build day care centers in Afghanistan. But what is the REAL reason?

 

OBL (looking somber): Thank you, Bill. Thank you for asking me that. Let me put this myth to rest. Despite what Patty Murray said, I never built day care centers. I don't know where she got that one, but I appreciate her support. Here's the real source of my anger. When I was a young man, in 1974, there was a song that came out from an American - I believe his name was Ray Stevens..

 

Moyers: The Streak?

 

OBL: That guy! YES! But this was a different song called "Ahab the A-rab." Do you remember that song?

 

Moyers: I believe I do, yes.

 

OBL: That song was humiliating to the whole Arab world. When I heard that song, I vowed I would have revenge on all non-believers, with Allah as my witness. I will cut out the eyes of anyone who has seen Ray Stevens. I will cut off the ears of anyone who has heard this song.

 

Moyers (leaning in): Did you kill Ray Stevens?

 

OBL: Well, he hasn't been making any records lately, has he?

 

Moyers: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. God, I really like you. You're warm, charming, funny, and really human. But that can't be the only reason you hate America....

 

OBL: No, that's mainly it. Oh, and also there was an actor called "James Farr?" He was on the TV show "MASH."

 

Moyers: JAMIE Farr?

 

OBL: Yes. That man is terrible. He is an Arab-American, but he played a stupid Arab character in the Cannonball Run movies. Did you see those?

 

Moyers: Actually, no. Nobody did.

 

OBL: Well believe me. It was really insulting to Arab people.

 

Moyers (grinning from ear to ear): Is he next???

 

OBL: Possibly. I won't say.

 

Moyers: Excellent. I guess we'll have to stay tuned for that one. Anyway, what are you doing these days? Tell us where have you been hiding?

 

OBL: I haven't been hiding anywhere. Two years ago I decided to open a Bed an Breakfast in the U.S. And I wanted a city that would support me. Somewhere with a population that was either pro-jihad or stupid enough to believe me when I said "Islam is not the enemy, John Ashcroft is the enemy."

 

Moyers: I think I know what city you're talking about. Would this be a city that was on the Top 10 Most Terror-Friendly Cities in America list?

 

OBL: You got it! Portland, Oregon.

 

Moyers: Why Portland?

 

OBL: Like I said, it's very left-leaning, and they LOVE me there. And they are extremely pro-terrorist and anti-American. Even CRAIG ROSEBRAUGH, the former spokesman for the Earth Liberation Front has a business there. I believe it's a vegan cafe or something.

 

Moyers: The Calendula! Have you been there? It's FANTASTIC. Rosebraugh is actually going to be my guest next week. His new book advocating the violent overthrow of the U.S. Government isn't doing as well as he had hoped, and PBS has decided to run a pledge drive for him. Would you like to help out?

 

OBL: Would I have to answer phones?

 

Moyers: Not if you don't want to.

 

OBL: Deal.