With the theatrical release of Quentin Tarantino's much-hyped Kill Bill II comes my (better-late-than-never) review of
the first Kill Bill movie (now on DVD). There is so much to say about this movie, I'm bound to miss a few
things. First of all, it sucked. That's the most important thing to remember. It sucked, and it was the most
violent, bloody movie I've ever seen (including "The Passion" and "Saving Ryan's Privates").
I'm not the type to shy away from violent movies. Violence is often an important (even integral) part of a movie. Even
comic violence has its place. Think about the first Indiana Jones movie. There was a scene where Harrison
Ford was using his whip skills to cut his way past a few A-rabs. All of a sudden, an even bigger A-rab,
with a huge sword appears. He is clearly a master of his craft, as he waves his sword around like he's going to
carve poor Indy up like a Christmas turkey. Casually, Jones pulls his gun out of his holster, and shoots the guy dead. THAT
was funny. Kill Bill, however, was retarded.
Kill Bill reminds me of why so-called "pan-Asian" cuisine is so god awful. Pan-Asian restaurants (a new fad in some cities)
are essentially a mish-mash of crap that doesn't belong together. It's like when a two year old puts his peas in his apple
juice, then pours the whole thing into his ice cream. With pan-Asian restaurants, you'll often see menu items such
as Teriyaki (Japanese) Kung-Pao Chicken (Chinese), in peanut sauce (Thai) on a bed of Uncle Ben's rice (white trash).
It sucks, and some things just don't go together. People who don't know any better will not only DO this, but they will call
it art. Lemmings (who don't want to admit that the Emperor has no clothes, out of fear of being labeled "unhip") will follow
along and give it rave reviews. That's pretty much the story with Kill Bill (with some grotesque and nauseating levels of
blood thrown on top).
The acting in this movie was marginal at best. Lucy Liu does a pretty good job, but the appropriately named Uma Thurman
is horrible (by the way, "Uma" means "horse" in Japanese). She's one that I forgot to mention in my
Dog-Faced Horsey Face Awards (my apologies). As someone who has lived in Japan and is fluent in the language, I'm tougher than most critics when
it comes to making movies about Asia. I'll hand it to Tarantino, at least he had actual JAPANESE people in the Japanese roles,
unlike Black Rain (one of the most racist and uber-retarded films I've ever seen). Liu does an admirable job at aping her
Japanese lines, but Thurman is pathetic. Apparently they forgot to tell her that she's supposed to forget she's a complete
Mongoloid long enough for her to actually get it right. Her pidgin Japanese comes off as thoroughly unconvincing.
This movie was a mix of all types of genres. I could see traces of about a dozen different types of Anime, along with
parts of Star Wars, Seven Samurai, and pretty much every "revenge" themed martial arts movie in history. There were only two
things original about Kill Bill: The cinematography and the unprecedented (almost sexual-fetish) level of violence. This
film is pretty much a confession that Quentin Tarantino likes to look at car crashes and autopsy films before he waxes his
pole. That's the only explanation I can see for the sick, perverse level of blood in this movie. And speaking of blood, there
are almost funny scenes of Monty Python blood spewing out of severed limbs. Did I say "funny?" Sorry, I meant "retarded."
Then there was the Anime. This movie is proof that Quentin Tarantino is the ultimate Anime dork. I summed up the
whole "anime" goober thing
with this piece last year. I saw Tarantino on Leno recently. They were talking about an earlier appearance, where Tarantino was drunk off his ass.
This time he was sober. And GOD was he boring. As much as I hated this movie, I watched it all the way through. If there's
one thing I can say about Kill Bill, something about the movie made me want to watch it till the end. But I sure as hell won't
see the sequel. Last week, I included Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon in my list of
ten movies I've walked out of. Kill Bill Volume I makes Crouching Tiger look like Citizen Kane.
