In another attempt to curry favor with Americans who won't vote for him anyway, President Bush this week imposed strict tariffs on Japanese Moron Imports. "America's left-wing morons are good at what they do. They're proud of the work they do to undermine this country, and they don't need unfair competition from the Japanese." President Bush pointed to the recent fake Japanese hostages in Iraq as proof that Japan has indeed come up with a better breed of idiotarian than even the biggest Berkeley ISM tool.

 

"American Socialists have asked for our help, and we have answered the call," said Bush in his weekly radio address. "No longer will American members of the Marxist-Islamist Alliance have to worry about being upstaged by a superior Japanese model." The move was immediately denounced by the American Socialist Party of Santa Crud as "transparent." Spokesman Mary Burton-Payton-Dumbass said "President Bush doing what we've begged him to do is just another blatant attempt at taking away a campaign issue from us. Well we didn't give him credit for the budget-busting Medicare Drug Program we asked him for, and we're not going to give him credit for this," she snapped.

 

Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi has stated he actually welcomes the move, and is embarassed that such idiotarians even exist in Japan. "To tell you the truth, I only thought Americans and Europeans could be this retarded," he said (referring to the fake hostages who were released unharmed this week). "I would like nothing more than to ship these idiots off to Cuba, but I think we can all agree that they are better off staying at home and collecting belly button lint." Koizumi was also quick to point out that on average Japanese people are incredibly smart and that the vast majority are pro-capitalist normal human beings. And at least they're not complete pussies like the Spanish or the French.

 

The city of Portland has solved its crippling budget crisis through the use of a simple 5 cent piercing tax. The tax, originally designed to prevent Goth garbage from abusing their infant children with multiple piercings, has ended up generating $30 million dollars over the past year. As a result, the city has now implemented a tax on studs, staples, horseshoes, railroad ties, and other items most fugly Portlanders stick in their faces. "I'm sure you've all heard the phrase 'The lottery is a voluntary tax on the stupid.' Well if that's the case, then the piercing tax is a voluntary tax on the retarded," said Portland Mayor Vera Katz. The mere five cent per piercing tax is expected to bring in several billion dollars over the next six months. Seattle has indicated it will follow suit.

 

Finally, fed-up retailers have decided to "take back" their belly shirts from those who aren't meant to wear them: fat chicks. The Gap and Old Navy have announced a massive recall of all belly shirts being worn by teenage and pre-teen girls with a body mass index above "Morbidly Obese." The move is being hailed by most members of the sighted community. However, not everyone is happy. 35-year-old Sandra Fatass, president of "Obese, Skanky, White Trash Moms who Let their Teenage and Pre-Teen Daughters Look to Brittney Spears as a Role Model Because they are Such Shitty Parents" is upset. "This is discrimination! How can you deny someone the right to be a skank and a filthy whore just because she happens to be a BBPT ("Big Beautiful Pre-Teen")?" she said. "I've gone through all the trouble of trying to re-live my failed junior high school years through my daughter, and making sure she's even more of a skank whore than I was is a major goal of mine. In fact, since I can't be a 'cheerleader mom,' it's the only thing I have going for me." Nevertheless, retailers and others are happy with their decision to pull the shirts from fatties. "I don't care about the lost revenue," said one store manager (who wished to remain anonymous). "Every time I saw some 14 year old with her big gut protruding out of her belly shirt, it made me violently ill, and this move is going to ensure that we maintain the quality of our brand." It is expected that low-rise jeans may be the next piece of clothing to become off limits to members of the human-whale community. To quote Roy Scheider in Jaws, "Thank Christ!"