Hi there boys and girls. I'm Robert "KKK" Byrd, the senior Senator from West Vagina. If your main source for news is CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, or NPR, you probably aren't aware that I'm an ex-Klansman. But I realized long ago that being in the Klan is a dead end path. So I traded in my white robes for a white bunny outfit. Every year at Easter time, I go down to the "hood" and terrorize young colored children.

 

This week I was all happy and excited when the 9/11 Commission members (especially Bob Kerrey) put that Condoleezza Rice on the hot seat. I mean, what kind of name is "Rice" for a negro? That sounds more like a name for a Chinaman or something..... I had no idea that colored people could be so smart. Condi Rice hit back and really humiliated Bob Kerrey when she pointed out that he suggested we attack Iraq after the USS Cole was bombed. And guess what? I'm really goddamn pissed about the whole thing. I was looking forward to a public lynching. What I got instead was Bob Kerrey having his ass handed to him by a black woman.

 

Just for that I'm going to give out salmonella infected Easter eggs to all the children in the D.C. area. What are you going to do about it? Nothing. You see, since I have a "D" next to my name, I get a pass from the mainstream media. They're in my back pocket. In fact, the other day Senator Chris Dodd heaped all sorts of lavish praise on me. He even said that I would have been the perfect leader at the time of the Civil War. Jefferson Davis is one of my heroes. And of course, you probably didn't see any of Dodd's comments on television, right? Yep. We Democrats own the media in this country (except for talk radio, but we're fixing that with the new "Progressive Talk Network"). When Trent Lott said that Strom Thurmond would have made a good president, all hell broke loose. That's because he's got an "R" next to his name. What Chris Dodd said was far worse, and to tell you the truth, I was a bit worried that the media would pick it up. I guess I underestimated their loyalty to the Democrat party (I won't make that mistake again).

 

Well, gotta get back to terrorizing the kids. I'm having them hunt Easter eggs in a cow pasture. They'll be covered in dung by the end of the day. Oh, and I'd like to say how vehemently opposed I am to this war in Iraq. I do not support the liberation of dark-skinned people, and I preferred it when Saddam was in power killing the darkies of his country. It's really exciting to think about the tortures and the mass graves. By the way, I'm not wearing any underwear.

 

Toodles,

 

Robert KKK Byrd