As a pretend 'tard, I am an avowed expert on what behavioral psychologists call "socially retarded behavior." Americans
in general have become far more socially retarded in recent years (don’t worry – Europeans are much worse).
The list below is only but a fraction of the socially retarded behavior we're all subjected to on a daily basis. In good time,
I will have a complete list (email me at if you have a suggestion for inclusion, or want to "Ask the 'Tard" about what form of socially retarded behavior is worse.
Again, I am an expert). In the meantime, here’s a brief list of what makes the "average" person such a fucking 'tard:
Socially Retarded Behavior
Aping Austin Powers Quotes to co-workers. This wasn't funny in 1997, and it
isn't funny now. And to you office sluts, please stop laughing - you're only encouraging them. Your "subtle" attempt
at telling the dipshit you'd like to have sex with him is giving the rest of us diarrhea. Please just go fuck him
in the broom closet, and leave us normal people out of it.
Eating in public. I didn't have a fancy chi-chi upbringing, but at least I'm
civilized enough NOT to buy takeout and bring it to my kid's (gymnastics class, dance practice, ballet recital, etc.). Sitting
there eating food in front of everyone else may in fact be worse than continual cell phone usage. The fact that you can use
chopsticks (something the rest of us learned to do in our teens, if not earlier) does not impress anyone. Smelling
that garlic bread and having to listen to you chomping down your food only confirms that I am superior to you. If you're so scary
busy that you had to order takeout, eat it in your fucking car, Corky!
Using your cell phone (or talking) in a movie theater. This isn't
your fucking living room, shit-for-brains. Go home and watch "The Waterboy" (or a Jackie Chan movie). You have no business
being in public until you can behave at a 3rd grade level.
(Esses) Letting your lil' bastards play under the table, or eat food off the floor at
a restaurant. This is America. We have standards for behavior in public. Try to show
some class for once.
(Esses who work at restaurants) Loudly berating your co-workers in Spanish (right in front
of the customers). Although most customers might not understand Espanol, they will still know that YOU ARE
LOUDLY YELLING SOMETHING TO YOUR COWORKER AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. Stop it, Hector, or I will complain to the manager.
(Middle Class Parents) - NOT understanding the concept of "dress appropriately."
It's bad enough that you're a fat pig and you wear sweatpants everywhere you go, but if your brat has a recital or Christmas
performance, don't let it wear what you wear. I was disgusted when I recently went to my daughter's Christmas Pageant. The invitation
from the music director clearly said "dress appropriately." Shockingly, my daughter was the only one that wore a dress. The
other kids looked like the white trash that they are (and it's a decent school in a decent neighborhood). About half
of them thought wearing the tie-die t-shirts they made at outdoor school fell under the category of "appropriate." Get a clue,
and for once try to show some dignity. I realize it's too late for you - but you shouldn't abuse your children by turning
them into a classless slob like you. And lose the fast food drink. It's bad enough that dumass parents carry around empty
bottles of water (or Starbucks), but a 300 lb sweathog like you has no business drawing added attention to yourself by carrying
around a large McDonald's Coke.
Letting your little ‘tard answer the phone (or record an outgoing voice mail greeting)
(White Trashers) Letting your little dirt-faced ratty-haired bastard eat a corndog (or whatever)
in the grocery store (before you've paid for it). If your brat is so hungry, you probably should have fed
it before you left your trailer park. You're only training them to be a pig with no self control or class (in other words,
a mirror image of you).
(Women) NOT putting down that little divider after you put your groceries down at the checkout
counter (men seem to have no problem doing this)
(Women) NOT saying "thank you" after a man holds a door open for you on your way out of the
gym (or grocery store or whatever). Your assumption that saying "thank you" will invite him to sexually assault
you is false. Get over yourself, and behave like an adult for Christ's sake.
(Women) NOT waving "thank you" after someone lets you cut in front of them in traffic
(again, if men can do it, I know you little ladies are up to the task. Please try harder).
Referring to your mom or your dad as "Mom" or "Dad" when talking to me (as
if they’re somehow also MY mom and MY dad). It may come as a shock to you but other people actually have DIFFERENT parents
than you do. Incredible, isn't it?
And check our our Christmastime Socially Retarded Behavior, submitted by Cooper's Florida Campaign Manager, PT.
…. If you see somebody exhibiting such behaviors, cut out the "tard ticket" below and hand one to them. Make sure
to carry an ample supply with you. By the way, ironically, handing out "tard tickets" to strangers is uber-socially retarded.
Sorry. (Just leave them alone and bask in the knowledge that you’re superior to them).
TARD TICKET
You were observed displaying socially retarded behavior.
The offensive behavior was ________________________.
Please work to become a more civilized member of society.
