Hi there, you crazy Americans. I'm Yakov Smirnoff. You might remember me as 80's comedian from former Soviet Union. I used to make fun of the differences in American and Russian culture. My most famous line was "What a Country!" Do you remember that? Of course you do.

 

I went away for while, but I'm back now, and I'm more popular than ever. I work as comedian in Branson, and I am newest guest writer at Cooper for President. Who ever thought that retarded American could run for President of United States? What a country!

 

This is debut of my new column. Since there are so many countries in the world that are either stupid or poor or backwards, I have endless supply of jokes about them. My column is called "What a (fucked up) country." I will be here many times making fun of third world people who are poor because of their own fault. Which makes this week's choice so easy:

 

Iraq - what a fucked up country! I mean they have dictator who kills them for 25 years and his sons rape women and probably goats as well. Then America decides to get rid of evil man Saddam, but are the Iraqi people grateful? No! Why? Because they are a fucked up country.

 

Now the Muslims are capturing civilians and torturing them. They want the Americans and other people to stop rebuilding their country and giving them toilets. And they wipe their butts with their hands. What a fucked up country! This week the Shiite Muslims and Sunni Muslims are seeing how many people they can kill. They even captured Japanese people who went there to make sure Iraqis have clean drinking water. Boy, in former Soviet Union, they would kill people for speaking out against the government or trying to start a democracy movement. But to kidnap and torture Japanese people for TRYING TO PROVIDE YOU WITH CLEAN WATER? What a fucked up country!

 

Of course, people say there are "good" Muslims and "bad" Muslims, but they look same to me. Let me see if I understand. The "bad" Muslims are the ones who kill and torture people. The "good" Muslims are the ones who stand by and do nothing about it. What a fucked up country!

 

So please join Yakov here at Cooper for President site. I have many more backwards retarded countries to make fun of. Please tell all of your friends and especially the third world garbage people. Say it with me now: "What a fucked up country."

 

Thank you! Thank you!