I've seen a lot of bad movies in my time. We all have. But some movies are so horrible, that you have no choice but to walk out of the theater. There have been exactly ten movies I have walked out of in my lifetime. Here they are:

 

This movie was bad on so many levels, I can't begin to cover them all. I'm willing to overlook the fact that the special effects in this movie were far superior to the ones in the original (even though this one was an "earlier" story). But the bad plot, horrible acting, and deluge of characters were just too much to stomach. The marketing surrounding this movie was unlike anything I had ever seen. They had Jar Jar Binks potato chips for god's sake! And the whole flick was basically a Toys R Us commercial. Then there were the racist sterotype characters. I know a lot of people like to see racism around every corner, but when it came to this craptard film, the stereotypes were impossible to avoid. Jar Jar Binks (the absolute worst character in history) was a step-n-fetch-it Rastafarian, saying "yessa-massa" every 30 seconds. The Viceroy was a "No Tickee No Shirtee" Chinese cartoon. And that flying slave owner on Tattoine was a big-nosed Jewball, complete with a penchant for buying and selling people (anything to make a profit).

 

The plot of this movie sucked, and since it was a "prequel," George Lucas has a lot of explaining to do (like Obi Wan Kenobi's interaction with the droids, even though in the original Star Wars Episode III he acts like he's never seen them in his life). The story was repetitive and retarded. Jar Jar Binks said "How rude" (a moderately funny line when C3PO said it in Star Wars) about 15 times throughout the movie.

 

The acting was probably the worst aspect of this shitflick. That kid who played Darth Vader belongs in a Welch's Grape Juice commercial, not portraying the future evil ruler of the universe. With the sole exception of Ewan MacGregor, everone else in this movie SUCKED. And at the end, we see hapless old Yoda standing there right next to Senator Palpatine (who is the future evil emperor, in case you couldn't tell). Yoda (who's supposed to be able to sense everything) says that the source of the growing evil is somewhere, but he can't quite put his finger on it. Meanwhile, Senator Palpatations is practically looking to the camera, pointing to himself, and winking to the audience.

 

While certainly not as bad as Phantom Menace, this sci-fi thriller was awful. Here we go again with the racial stereotypes as Judd Hirsch portrays an old whining Jewish woman (using the words "schlamille, shlamazzle, and fajizzle" every time he opens his mouth). Jeff Goldblum gave his most annoying performance to date (and that's saying something). He plays a know-it-all "save the world" leftist who ends up being right about everything. If he were really true to character, he should have been making excuses for the alien invaders and talking about how "It's our fault," we were attacked. And just as Phantom Menace was a Toys R Us commercial, this was an overblown Apple Powerbook ad. In the end, they save the world by downloading a virus from their laptop into the alien computers. How bloody awful. On a positive note, Will Smith was his typical charming self, and did a pretty good job. And we got to see Harvey Firestein die.

 

Not to mimic Saddam Hussein or anything, but this movie was the mother of all craptard sci-fi flicks. God it was awful. The plot was simple enough - a giant asteroid was on track to collide with Earth, but our heroes destroyed it (by bombarding it with Aerosmith music). First of all, when you watch science fiction, you're supposed to have a willing suspention of disbelief (like in Star Trek, when the aliens speak English). I have no problem with that, but THIS movie wanted us to all pretend like we're six years old and have no understanding of science, physics, or ham-handed acting. The way this movie was filmed made it look like a two-hour AT&T commerical (with the slow motion, and the revolving camera angles). The over-the-top and inappropriate music made it that much worse.

 

The acting was so hammy and over the top, that I personally believe that it killed Steve Buscemi's career. Yes, he had a bit of a comeback with the excellent "Big Lobowski," but that's pretty much it. Bruce Willis was only able to redeem himself with his performance in The Sixth Sense. Ben Affleck was his usual terrible self. His scene with Liv Tyler (involving animal crackers) is the hands-down worst love scene in movie history. Since I walked out, I wasn't sure how it ended, but I'm certain that after seeing Ben and Liv, the asteroid probably killed itself. I know I would have.

 

Here's another example of a so-so movie made worse by the hype. I love foreign films, and was really looking forward to this one after the reviews were so positive. What a disappointment. The girl who played the lead was a bitch, the story wasn't that good, and the over-hyped fight scenes looked absolutely retarded. When they ran up the side of buildings, or jumped from rooftop to rooftop, the actors' legs were still moving (in a bike-riding motion). It looked like Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan. At one point, when Chow Yung Fat flew through the air (with a waterfall in the background), it looked like I was watching outtakes from "Bedknobs and Broomsticks." The desert pirate character was pretty good, and the only thing I really liked (the forbidden love relationship between Fat and Michelle Yeoh) was completely ridiculed by the Chinese people I know.

 

Many times, Americans will read too much into a foreign film. Like most people, I thought the fact that Fat and Yeoh never broke the "love" barrier added mystique to the film. Many Americans thought that this was some sort of Chinese code of honor or something. Every Chinese friend I have said they should have "gone for it." So much for "mystique." Ultimately, the theme of this movie (as best as I could tell) was that if a criminal kidnaps a rich girl and rapes her, she will fall in love with him. What the hell kind of moral is that? What's next, the Elizabeth Smart - Brian Mitchell Story???

 

Continued