Off all of the horrific scenes to come out of Iraq last week, what really infuriated me were the 10-12 year old Iraqi boys dancing around, hootin' and hollerin', and acting like a bunch of ghouls over the charred corpses of the four American civilians killed in Fallujah. The fact that they were already dead makes no difference to me. I have faith that the Marines will find the sons of bitches that killed these workers and bring them to justice (put them in a body bag and bury it).

 

But (to quote Meryll Streep) "What about the children?" Those fuckers aren't getting off that easily. Sure, since we're more civilized that the Arab world, we're not going to send our troops to bury landmines in the local Fallujah park, then throw the little bastards a soccer ball. We can't do that (even though I'd love to see one of these shitstains step on a Bouncing Betty).

 

Fortunately, I have the solution. Remember that episode of Happy Days where Richie Cunningham tried to earn a little extra money by having a babysitting service? There were about 10 unruly brats at the Cunningham residence (including Booker Brown, a racist charicature of a black kid, complete with shiny shoes and a penchant for rolling dice). The kids were completely out of control, and they knew that since Richie was an adult (probably 34 at that point) he couldn't do SHIT to them. Eventually, the problem was solved when Fonzie's homosexual Mongoloid nephew, Spike (himself a mere lad), came downstairs and started whipping the little bastards in line.

 

That's the solution. We need to use other children (even less civilized than Iraqis) to do our dirty work for us. Can anybody think of a group of kids that are even more fascinated with death than those Iraqi kids are? Think hard.... Yep, Palestinians. All we need to do is enlist the help of a couple hundred Paleo children to go over there and "TCB." Since they regularly commit jihad for such things as new clothes (and one night in the hay with a goat), all we have to do is "up the ante." We can give them even NEWER clothes (and a night in the barnyard with any animal of their choice - like an Old Country Buffet for goat felchers).

 

And if forming an ungodly alliance with the Palesimians doesn't float your boat, how about we just get some of the bullies in OUR schools to do a little cultural exchange? Bulling in America has become an artform, and since too many of our children have been completely Oprahtized and Pussified, the bullies are starting to lose interest. Think about it. Isn't that what the retarded, backward Bedouin "culture" is all about? Avoiding humiliation? To a greasy Arab, nothing is worse than being "humiliated."

 

If an Arab mother, wife, daughter or sister is raped, what does her family do? They kill her for "dishonoring" them. Arab men just can't stand to be "humiliated" (but judging by their behavior, they just can't seem to get enough of it). I say we give it to 'em.

 

If you have a teenage or pre-teen son or daughter that has been called to the principal's office one too many times, I have a great summer job for them. Here are the requirements: Must be tough, work well in the heat, be brave, nasty, and cruel, and take delight in the suffering of others. Must be proficient in wedgies, swirlies, and stuffing nerds into lockers. Arrest record preferred, but not required. Please send your child's application, resume, or criminal record to . All travel expenses, food, and lodging will be paid by the Cooper for President campaign (with whatever money we can swindle the blue hairs out of with the fake door-to-door siding scam we'll be pulling this spring).

 

And if that doesn't work, I've already started collecting a large number of plush Dragon Ball Z toys, which I am infecting with smallpox. These will be distributed to all children in the greater Fallujah area.

 

Thank you, and God Bless.