Whether you were annoyed, pissed off, or saw the joke coming a mile away, hopefully the gag got through to you. After all, what is Mapril Fool's Day if not a time to thoroughly infuriate every single person you know (and put your career in jeapordy at the same time)?
Below is my faux resignation letter. I needed it to seem real, so I included actual disagreements I have with the Bush Administration (along with some blatant lies). In the great democrap tradition of having severe multiple personality disorder (Leslie Clark, John Kerry, Richard Clarke) I will argue with MYSELF. My responses to myself are in blue:
Dear Sooper Cooper readers,
You can feel the sadness coming. It almost brings a tear to a glass eye.
When I first received an email from a group calling itself "Progressives United for America," I was obviously skeptical. Their name alone told me that they were a left-leaning organization. But I wanted to read what they had to say. I think all CFP readers know by now that I read all of my email, and if it's appropriate, I would put it up in the "Love Letters" or "Hate Mail" sections.
It's so easy to come up with a generic name of a Marxist, Maoist organization. I wouldn't be surprised if such an organization DOES exist (and they sue me for using their name). I wanted to make the initials "P.U."
In this case, the email was an offer to buy Cooper for President. At the time (early February), I had really just started out. The site had only been up for about three months, but it was getting a lot of attention. Anyway, the offer to buy the site (although generous) was not something I was interested in. I think all of you know that I started this website as a method of communicating my political beliefs in a humorous way. I already have a career and I've done stand-up comedy as a hobby in the past. The website was a new "experiment" for me to see how far I could take it. Initially, I ran it as a "real" retarded man running for president, but for various reasons, I quickly switched it to straight comedy.
At this point, most bloggers and people who run their own websites probably realized I was full of crap. John Hawkins ofRight Wing Newswrote an excellent (albeit depressing) piece a month ago lamenting the fact that unless you're one of the very top websites, you're not going to get rich. Let's face it, nobody's going to buy my website (and you have my word I would only sell it to someone who would be able to carry on the tradition of making fun of people who deserve it - like splodeydopes, traitors, dumbasses and active members of the Marxist-Islamist Alliance).
Thanks to excellent websites such as LGF, Right Nation, and most importantly Misha's "Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler," the site quickly moved up in the Alexa rankings. As I write this, the site is about 249,000th (out of millions of websites around the world). That's pretty good for a 'tard sitting at home, eh? Anyway, two weeks ago, I received another email (along with a certified letter) from Progressives United. This time, the offer was much more generous.
Actually, by the time I had published it, my site had rocketed up to 242,777. And I really do owe Misha a debt of gratitude. His was the first website to officially endorse me. To think I would sell out and stab him in the back is laughable (and terrifying - because if I ever DID stab him in the back, I'd better not go to Texas)! LGF and RightNation are two excellent sites where you can share opinions with other well-informed people. The relationships I've developed there are quite memorable. And I sure as hell won't stab those people in the back, either.
And really, how "generous" could an offer be? The sad truth is George Soros doesn't have to spend a dime. The DNC has the major networks in their back pocket. Any website they put up will be covered ad nauseum by the "mainstream" media, immediately propelling it into the top 20,000 sites (yeah, CBS, I'm looking at you. How's that Richard Clarke book doing?).
I have recently become disappointed at the way President Bush has handled the War on Terror. I think my readers know that I was very unhappy with several of Bush's decisions (immigration, campaign finance reform, socialized medicine, etc.). But like many of you, Bush's handling of the War on Terror was something that pretty much solidified my support for him. However, in the past week, I have been aghast at what the president has done. First of all, I realize that Richard Clarke has an axe to grind (and a book to sell), but does that make what he's saying less valid? I know Clinton didn't do anything to stop terrorism, but neither did Bush before 9/11. Perhaps nothing could have been done to stop it, but Bush's continued refusal to let Condoleeza Rice testify under oath to the commission is a slap in the face to all of us.
Sure, we've all been disappointed at SOME of the stuff Bush has done (except for the die-hard Kool Aid drinkers). So what? Bush has done a better job than Clinton, Gore, or Kerry ever could. Even if his revised terror plan had been implemented on Day One, it wouldn't have prevented 9/11. In fact, if miraculously it HAD been prevented, the left would have been demanding his impeachment.Perhaps it's time to read this little gem again.
It's also obvious that thanks to John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge, another 9/11 HAS been prevented (no thanks to the whiners in the Democrap party caterwauling about the "civil rights" of Muslims being trampled). Al-Qaida's M.O. was an attack about every 18 months. All indications are that the mass arrests made by the Justice Department HAVE in fact prevented another terrorist attack on American soil. In fact, al-Qaida said that they had planned on attacking Chicago next, but were unable to do so because of America's reaction immediately after 9/11. Is CBS happy about that? What do YOU think?
Then, at the Radio and Television Correspondent's Dinner, Bush made some very distasteful and inappropriate jokes about the Weapons of Mass Destruction. I did a page (and put a post at Right Nation and other websites) that talked about how inappropriate those jokes were. To my surprise, most of you disagreed with me. Furthermore, some of the emails I received were very nasty and completley uncalled for.
Yeah, I disagreed with Bush's joke about WMD. I put a post up at Right Nation, and many people (politely) disagreed with me. End of story. Of course, I had to make up the whole "nasty email" thing. In fact, since putting up the fake site, the emails I've received have all been polite and professional.
One guy (who goes by the name "Bloodthirsty Warmonger") even went so far as to make fun of my wife's ethnicity! I'm not ready to say that "all" (or even "most") Republicans are racist or whatever, but it really was a rude awakening for me.
Bloodthirsty Warmonger(Charles Sakai - The Japanese Cowboy; Also known as the "Gangster of Love," the "Smooth Criminal," and "Maurice") most certainly did NOT make fun of my wife's ethnicity (Japanese). Heh heh. Sorry about that Charles.
Considering Bush's performance, the offer to buy the site, and the extremely nasty emails I've received from many on the Right, I've decided that now was the best time to sell the website. I didn't want to sell it to a group that would work specifically to get Kerry elected (everything I said about Kerry still stands, and I'm not going to sell out my beliefs). However, I'm not so sure that Kerry would be any worse than Bush.
This is classic justification for bad behavior. At this point, it's clear I've sold out, and I'm trying to make excuses for it. I love that last line. Kerry not worse than Bush???? If the Democrap nominee were Joe Lieberman or John "gum chewer" Edwards, there might be a sliver of validity to that statement. But John Kerry? That fucking traitor would sell us out to the U.N. on day one.
In the future, I may start up another humor-based website, but I spent a tremendous amount of time on the Cooper site. For the time being, I need to take a break, spend time with my family, and focus on my career. I am tremendously grateful to all of you who wrote and visited the site. I will still have email access at cooper until April 15th (if you'd like to send me a final message).
Actually, I may be spending more time at work and with my family in the near future. But you have my word I will make every effort to update the site with as many crappy, retarded, low-brow jokes that I can think of. And of course my email address is still valid. I AM truly grateful to all of you who visited (and will continue to visit) my site (and sent me emails). I'm not going to say "God Bless us, every one," because then I'm going to start crying again.
