This week President Bush stepped in a giant dog turd (put in his path by one of his own writers, it would seem). At the annual Radio and Television Correspondent's Dinner, the president made some jokes that were (how should I put this?) totally fucking inappropriate. For the most part, Bush did fine, but the one joke which rubbed most people the wrong way was the one which featured several slides of him looking under furniture in the Oval Office. During the slide show, Bush said, "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere."

 

Not only was this joke a slap in the face to our military men and women in harm's way (and the 500 American soldiers who died in Iraq) it provides tremendous ammunition for Bush's enemies. If John Kerry were smart, he would spend his next ten campaign appearances (and the Democratic Convention) using the following line: "If I'm elected president, I promise you here and now that I would never make light of the horrors of war, especially when our brave young men and women are still putting their lives on the line in Iraq." That's all Kerry needs to say to turn this gaffe into a major issue. Fortunately, Kerry is just as out-of-touch as the Bush team is. So, like a good socialist, he will keep focusing on "Jobs, health care, blah blah blah" and whatever else his handlers tell him that we poor working stiffs care about. 

 

I'd like to say something to the president. I realize I'm not from Harvard or any other Eastern Ivy League School. However, I'm also not a sheltered prep-school dumbass, who is completely out of touch with what people find humorous (unlike some of the Yale Rowing Club elites working on Bush's campaign). Hell, my entire site is built around offensive humor. But I'm also a businessman. And I know a little something about "time and place." Joking about the reasons for going to war in Iraq (in front of the very people who are working overtime to get Kerry elected) is a tremendous mistake. The inappropriateness of that joke was multiplied tenfold when you consider that this was the week of the Richard Clarke book tour (also known as the "9/11 Commission hearings). I realize you probably have several Kerry staffers (or sympathizers) in your camp, so these types of gaffes are bound to continue.

 

I would like to give you a quick primer on what IS and what ISN'T appropriate humor, so you can filter out the offensive stuff next time. I've compiled a very brief list of what is good and what is bad (perhaps if your joke writer offers you something similar to a joke in my "bad" column, you will have found your Kerry stooge). Please feel free to use any of the jokes listed.

 

 

1) "There's been a lot of controversy recently, regarding people removing debris from Ground Zero at the World Trade Center. Donald Rumsfeld has now admitted he kept a piece of one of the planes that hit. I have to admit that even I kept a little something" 

 

(Reach into your pocket, and pull out one of those gag Halloweeen severed hands).

 

 

2) Show those slides of you looking under your desk and at chair legs. Then say "The Pentagon says they need more pine - for all those pine boxes coming back from Iraq. Ha ha ha."

 

3) "Colin Powell is a pretty hip dude. His favorite TV show is Queer Eye for the Brown Guy."

 

4) "I know a lot of you are concerned with Pakistan and India, two long-standing enemies, having nu-cu-lar weapons. A lot of people are saying we shouldn't let these monkeys keep their nukes. Well I can tell you, I've seen Beneath the Planet of the Apes, and I agree."

 

5) "Too many people have been critical of Condoleeza Rice for not testifying in front of the 9/11 Commission. Some people even think that I told her NOT to go. That's completely false. I actually ordered her to "testify." But since she's a "soul-sistah," she thought that when I said "testify," I meant Go to Church!"

 

 

1) "This week, Richard Clarke is out there in front of the 9/11 Commission. He's saying all sorts of things about my administration ignoring his warnings about al-Qaida..... Some people have asked me if I think he's just saying these things to sell his book. I'm not going to say for sure, but he's also apparently coming out with a cookbook in June (right before he testifies at the sentencing phase of the Martha Stewart Trial)."

 

2) "John Kerry has just come out with his economic plan. The good news is he claims it will create a whopping 10 million jobs over the next four years. The bad news is, the plan revolves around all of us eating a LOT more ketchup."

 

3) "People seem to forget that just a year ago, Saddam Hussein was one of the most brutal dictators in the world. He ruled his country with an iron fist, he had women raped, children tortured, and opponents killed. Where is he now? Actually, I think I saw him at the off ramp on the way over here. He had a squeegee in one hand, and a tin cup in the other. He was also carrying a sign that said 'Will Hide Weapons for Food.'"

 

4) "Have you heard those taped messages coming from Ayman al Zawahiri? I don't know about you, but I'm really disappointed in the poor quality of those tapes. I mean, he's the #2 guy in al-Qaida. Can't he do any better? In the interest of interntational "fairness," I would like to send al Zawahiri a better tape recorder. It's on the cutting edge of technology, and it's got a GPS tracking system. One word of note - it doesn't have any batteries, so you're going to have to use it ONLY in direct sunlight. Make sure the GPS is turned "on" while you record."

 

(You could even have a prop - the "tape recorder" you're offering to send to al Zawahiri. It would be shaped like a bomb, grenade, stick of dynamite, or missile. You could say - "Just tell us where you are, and I'll have the Air Force send it to you Special Delivery... Oh, and make sure that when you're recording, you put it right up to your mouth.")

 

5) "It seems that there are a lot of people on the left side of the fence who are critical of my service in the National Guard. Well, I'm PROUD of the time I flew planes for The Guard." (applause) "A lot of them are saying that John Kerry (who served admirably in Vietnam) is a "war hero" and he deserves to be elected solely because of that....Ok, fair enough... But what I'd like to know is where were these people when my DAD was running for re-election?"

 

... Like I said, Mr. President, if you'd like to use any (or all) of these jokes, I would be honored. I certainly don't expect any payment. In fact, if you DO use any of them, I will make a concerted effort to raise money for YOUR campaign.

 

Thank you,

'Coop