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Over two months ago, the Mayor of Philadelphia had a problem. He was ready to demolish Veterans Stadium, but the city
(like most) was still reeling from the after effects of the Clinton-Gore recession. The probem? It was going to cost several
million dollars to pay to have the stadium demolished, and Philly just didn't have the money to do it. They sure as hell
weren't going to dip into their Cheese-Steak and Mullet Reserve Fund (that's supposed to be used for a rainy day).
So what to do? Fortunately, the Mayor of Philly (whose name escapes me at the moment) is a huge Cooper for President
supporter. He asked OUR advice, and we're glad to have helped. It just so happens that (being the culturally-sensitive types
that we are) we have several contacts throughout the Middle East. A Palestinian woman we know had written us talking about
how embarassed she was that her son had reached the age of SIX without blowing himself up yet. To a Palestinian, this is humiliating.
Having your first born son reach the age of six is not something to be proud of, and she was running out of excuses.
That's when it hit us. I remember my grandfather always preaching to me about the importance of "killing two birds with
one stone." In other words, if you have two problems, try to solve both of them with the same action. The best example my
grandfather gave me was drinking and driving. He would never drink then drive. He would drink WHILE
driving. That way he would be good and drunk when he came home (instead of having to sit through a painfully retarded episode
of Hee-Haw, waiting for the buzz to kick in).
Long story short - We flew this woman (and a couple of her friends with the same embarassing problem) to Philadelphia,
where she was able to show how much she really "loves" her son. She loaded him up with explosives, marched him into Veterans
Stadium, and at 7:00 Sunday morning, KABOOM! Although she said it would have been better if her little angel could have blown
up some Jews, I solved that problem by saying that the stadium had been built by a Zionist constuction company. Whether that's
true or not isn't the issue. All that matters is that I have shown my advanced "cultural understanding" and helped a poor,
unfortunate Palestinian woman fulfill her lifelong dream.
I swear to God, I better win the Nobel Peace Prize for this one, or there's gonna be hell to pay.
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