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In response to the question most often asked by frustrated parents ("What would David Schwimmer do?")
NBC has blessed us for over a decade now with their wonderful "The More You Know" public service announcements. We've
all seen 'em, and I'm really glad they exist. I can personally say that there have been many times that my wife
and I have turned on each other in anger, then calmed down, took a deep breath and asked ourselves "how would 'Ross'
handle this situation?"
These crap-can PSAs usually star such well-known child-raising experts as Lisa Kudrow, Ross,
Chandler, Courtney Cock, (or that fag from 'Will and Grace') telling us how to raise our kids. A typical spot may feature
Schwimmer (and his enormous horse head) telling us that we shouldn't teach our kids any morals or allow them to make judgements
about others. Ironically, when he comes on, I immediately call my kids over and we all point and laugh repeatedly at
his "Al Frankenstein" forehead (it's now a family tradition, like Kwanzaa or Reparations Day).
Or what about this ad? (calm, monotone, fag NPR voice): "Hello. I'm David Hyde Pearssssse from Frasier.
I'm here to tell you how to raise your family because we TV stars know what pathetic non-heroin taking heterosexual
white picket fence breeders like you are all about. So take the gun out of your mouth, I'm here to save your family:
TADA! - it's a dinner table! Eat regular meals with your family and try to resist the urge to smash little Johnny's face into
the mashed potatoes or burn your infant daughter with lit cigarettes. Instead, sit down together at dinner and discuss things.
Some topics to include are how their day at school went, or why mommy is on her fifth glass of wine. Subjects to
avoid are guessing my sexual orientation, or trying to figure out why I talk like such an East Coast prep-school
faggot, when I'm supposed to be a married straight male from Seattle."
Since Lisa Kudrow does such a terrific job of portraying the mother of bastard triplets on 'Friends,' does that give
her some sort of credibility that my WIFE doesn't have? And the next time I see some celebrity bitch I've never heard
of staring angrily into the camera (arms folded, with a scowl on her carpet munching mouth) telling me about what
a "hater" I am for not ordering my daughters to immediately become lesbians, I'm going smash my fucking television set.
"Which ads are those?" you ask? The ones that use the word "tolerance" about every five seconds (what do you think that code
word means, dummy?).
NBC, you're barely a network as it is. Who the hell are you to crank out Limey BritCom rip-offs (that aren't even
funny - "Coupling?") or disgusting gross-out "reality" shows (where women are forced to eat excrement directly from
P Diddy's colon), then tell the rest of us how to "get along" with people? What people - the nice people in Morocco
who wouldn't hesitate to slit the throats of my entire family? Finally, who the fuck is Martin Sheen (Trojan horse
commie prick that he is) telling me that I have to read to my kids, when he's such a "miserable failure" as a parent?
Sheen is such a race-traitor that he changed his original last name (Estevez-Gonzales-Castro) to the Whitey-White "Sheen"
in order to hit it big time in Hollywood (where he could REALLY do some damage). And his little boy Charlie is a drug addicted,
prostitute frequenting, bag of shit. So thanks, but no thanks.... Besides, my kids can already read.... Can yours?
David Zucker (or whoever it is running NBC this week) please stop already
Best regards, P.T.
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