|
Due to the overwhelming number of women in current popular culture who resemble dogs and/or horses (combined
with the fact that leading Democrap John Kerry Heinz's daughter is a world-class horseface), the Cooper Team has decided
to bless the world with yet another awards show! We are very proud to present the world's first ever "Dog-Faced
Horsey Face Awards."
Our data was painstakingly compiled over the past twelve months, and had us sifting
through hundreds of nominations, photos, and hours of video tape (OK, we sat down over a case of Tecate last night and
made it all up). We decided NOT to go for the easy, obvious choices of Uglo-Americans (like Chelsea Clinton) or
unattractive women that we hate (like Hillary Clinton). The main criteria is the ability to evade
fans by slipping into a herd of Appaloosa (or ducking into a local Humane Society).
So without further ado, here is the Grand Prize Winner:
The 2004 Dog-Faced Horsey Face grand prize award goes to: Alanis Morissette.
This one was unanimous. Alanis will no doubt be the prototype for other horse-faced skanks for decades
to come. There is an old Peruvian joke that goes like this: "Q: Why did Alanis Morissette cancel her show in Toronto?
A: Because she was a 'little horse'." (Get it??). But seriously, there are members of the United Nations Committee on Bioethics
who have determined that Alanis is most likely the byproduct of a drunken, lonely, Canadian farmer
and his unsuspecting Shetland pony (charges are to be filed in May). Apart from her "singing"
career, you may remember Morissette from her role as 'God' from the crap-can movie 'Dogma' (although ironically
her face brings into question the very existence of a Supreme Being). Great work, Alanis, and I'd like to be the first
to shake your paw/hoof.
Here are the night's other winners:
The "Best Breasts on a Great Dane" Award goes to: Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes, "True Lies"
was a pretty good movie, and that scene with Jamie Lee showing her cans was OK (of course, that doesn't
change the fact that she is a major-league dogface).
The "Lassie (Don't) Come Home" Award winner is: Sara Jessica Barker (you may remember her as
the geek on 'Square Pegs,' but she is now the star of 'Sex and the City,' and has gotten way too big for her britches).
It's worth mentioning that Ms. Barker also qualified for the Grand Prize because of her "Mr. Ed Head." She
may feel a bit down in the dumps about not winning top honors, but please don't ask her "why the long face?" (she's
heard that one a million times)...
The "Steaming Pile of Shih-Zhu" Award goes to (who else): Yoko Ono. In addition to being
the absolute worst singer in history, she is also one of the ugliest. People who ask themselves "why did John Lennon marry
HER when there were so many GOOD looking women in the world?" are clearly unaware that John Lennon (as with all homosexual
men) knew fashion like the back of his hand, but didn't have the slightest clue when it came to chicks. And speaking of chicks....
The "Singing Saddlebred" Award goes to (sorry, Cher): two of the three Dixie Chicks.
Natalie Maines, you're safe for now (the Fish Face Awards aren't till October). In the meantime, (for lack of a better
term) the two "good looking" Dixie Chicks are the hooves-down winners for the year. If Natalie ever leaves the band,
they should change their name to "The Clydesdales."
.. and finally
The Grand Woofer Award: goes to: Jane Kaczmerek (the 'mom' on Malcolm in the Middle).
Few people know that Ms. Kaczmerek got her start in show business as the original model for everyone's favorite comic strip
dog, Marmaduke. In addition to acting, Ms. Kazmarek is also a typical Hollywood "War is Never the Answer" mouthpiece
for Marxist governments around the world (so she has a dog's brain as well). It is only a matter of time
before she sweeps the entire Dog-Faced Horsey Face Awards ceremony, and we wish her the best! Woof woof!!
|
