With the gay marriage debate heating up in Oregon, California, New York, etc., the Cooper Team has decided to write a primer on proper debate techniques. And since we're not very good at winning, we've come up with sure-fire methods for LOSING an argument on gay marriage (no matter which side you're on).

How to Lose an Argument on Gay Marriage – for Opponents

1. Call a talk show and say "Hi Sean…. My point is that the Bible says God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE."

   Look, as hard as it may be for you to accept it, America is not a theocracy. It isn’t run by the Catholic Church, and I for one am happy about it. True, it was founded on Judeo-Christian values (anyone who says it isn’t is full of crap). But that doesn’t mean that we should run it by the Bible. By the way, that "Adam and Steve" line isn’t funny (and we’ve all heard it a million times).

2. Say that gay marriage will "cheapen" your marriage.

   The only person who can cheapen your marriage is YOU. And with all the crap-can retarded Reality Shows that feature women getting married for cash and prizes, a committed gay or lesbian couple would be a step up. And don’t get me started on Britney Spears.

3. Pull out the canned "What about the CHILDREN?" argument.

   Well what about ‘em? Everybody knows (well, at least they SHOULD know) that the ideal setting for children to be raised in is a home with a married man and a woman. That is an indisputable fact. However, you can’t tell me that a loving, committed gay couple would be any worse than a triple-divorced mom or a teenage parent. Unless you’re willing to support forbidding single parents from raising their children, this argument is false.

4. Yell, scream, protest (and generally act like socially retarded liberal war protesters that hate America do).

   No explanation needed here. Going down to hold signs and scream at homosexuals like a hateful idiot (in other words, like one of the anti-Bush protesters does) is not a solution. You can scream at those two women all you want, but it’s not going to convince them that you’re right. You just look like a moron (and an obnoxious one at that).

5. Engage in the "Slippery Slope" argument (by saying things like, "Does this now mean that someone can marry a HORSE?").

A horse (or car, or pack of cigarettes) is not a citizen of this country (I don’t care what PETA thinks). Only human beings have rights. ‘Nuff said.

1. Ignore the law (or openly break it)

   The Mayor of San Francisco thought it would be cute to simply ignore the law (and have people scratch out the "Husband" and "Wife" portions on the marriage licenses there). If the people have voted against it, you’re going to have to change their minds. You don’t do that by being a complete dick. Same goes for that mayor in New York who has now pleaded "not guilty" to allowing same-sex marriages (but claims he will do it again). If you’re for something, have the balls to stand up for it. Don’t be a weasel like Kerry.

2. Get married to "make a point."

   I’m willing to acknowledge that MOST gay couples who want to get married are committed to each other. They don’t want attention, they just want to be left alone (but have their relationship recognized by the state so they can have property, parental, inheritance, and other rights). However, a large number of gays and lesbians simply want to get married to stick it to society. These people don’t like traditional values and want to get married as a political statement. What a joke.

3. Insult heterosexual couples (by claiming that we’re a bunch of wife abusers or some such nonsense)

   Here’s a sure-fire way to piss off every straight couple out there: use the argument that "most" marriages are nothing more than societal-forced arrangements where the women have to slave away over a hot stove and the men (wearing the obligatory wife-beater t-shirt) come home loaded on Budweiser, then beat the crap out of her. What a load.

4. Change the rules in private (or at the behest of a radical group)

   This week in Portland, Oregon, a group of four commissioners voted (in secret) to allow same-sex licenses. What a slap in the face to the voters (and Democracy as a whole). I know how much leftists LOVE Fidel Castro, but it doesn’t mean they should be able to act like him. A fifth commissioner (who opposes gay marriage) was left completely out of the loop. Bad move.

5. Use the Reverse "Slippery Slope" argument

Finally, for those of you who don’t know where you stand on the issue, here’s a bonus:

1) Simply say, "I don’t care what people do or who gets married. It’s none of my business. Who cares about gay marriage?"

This statement will prove to the world that you’re either not intelligent enough to have an opinion on this (very important) subject, OR you do have an opinion, but you’re too much of a lightweight to actually defend it, so you just use the "apathy" copout. What a puss.

2) Another great way of showing the world what a complete ‘tard you are is by pointing out what year it is. If you say "This is 2004, we should have gay marriage" everyone will be embarrassed for you. It will be obvious that you’re nothing more than a lemming following the whole "gay chic" movement (rather than someone who supports gay marriage for intellectual or ideological reasons).

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.