On Monday, deposed Haitian president JonBenet Aristide claimed that he had been KIDNAPPED at the behest of the Bush Administration. According to Aristide, several elite American paratroopers broke into his house late Sunday and urged him to leave. The soldiers then allegedly forced him onto a U.S.-flagged airline (which was used to transport him to the Central African Republic). Aristide claims that he had been told he could either leave Haiti willingly, or there would be "bloodshed." A typical (translation: "normal") person would see this as an indication that the American government was concerned for President Aristide's safety, and (upon realizing that the rebels were within striking distance) simply wanted him to get out of harm's way.

 

To the more sophisticated mind, however, this is just more proof of Bush Administration lies. Self-proclaimed "Expert on Everything" Reverend Jesse Jackson said, "This is an outrageous abuse of power by the Bush Administration. President Bush clearly ordered this kidnapping in violation of every law of God, Nature, Science and Gravity." In addition to being kidnapped, sources within the Congressional Black Caucus claim that Aristide was forced to consume several pieces of Church's Fried Chicken as well as a one-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper (two items which are thought to cause sterility in black men). Jackson pointed to this incident as further proof that The Bermuda Triangle not only EXISTS, but it was created by Halliburton back in 1908.

 

Predictably, Jackson has called for a congressional investigation into the incident, a sentiment which has been echoed by other members of the Urban Legend-Believing Crowd. Another well-known (and even less qualified) "reverend" (Al Sharpton) has hinted that this kidnapping may in fact be the work of "Mikey" from the Life Cereal commercials. Sharpton has alleged that the combination of Pop Rocks and Coca Cola Mikey ingested in the late 1970's may have in fact given him super-human powers (rather than killing him, as originally reported). The Weekly World News is now conducting its own investigation. There is no word yet if Bat Boy was involved.