The Passion of the Christ

On Sunday I went to see The Passion of the Christ. Excuse me, I meant to say "Mel Gibson's controversial movie, The Passion of the Christ." Apparently, there was a memo released last month requiring all so-called 'mainstream' journalists to use the word 'controversial' when describing this movie. That way, they can still get in a good potshot at Mel Gibson (while keeping up their illusion of being fair). I'd heard about this movie over a year ago. Although I wanted to see it, I wasn't that excited about it. After all, up until now most movies based upon The Bible have been mediocre at best. Even 'The Ten Commandments' was bad. You can see it every year on television (around Easter time) and it's pretty obvious the movie was made in the late 50's/early 60's. All the female characters sound like Trixie and Alice from The Honeymooners: "Ooooh. That Moses! He's soooo dreamy!" Of course, the more recent Christian movies have been even worse. They're poorly written, poorly acted, and have horrible dialogue (and those are just the ones that DON'T feature Kirk Cameron). So, needless to say, I was less than enthusiastic.

But with all the faux controversy and charges of "anti-Semitism" being thrown at this movie, my interest grew. I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Finally, after seeing Andy Rooney's insane diatribe against Mel Gibson (calling him a 'nut,' among other things) I knew I had to see it. I find it ironic that an old fossil like Rooney can call ANYONE 'nutty' - especially with those two bushy eyebrows growing out of control like kudzu in the middle of his forehead. Would someone PLEASE hold him down and shave those off?? The CBS makeup department has clearly fallen down on the job. Get one of the Queer Eye guys to do it, because it's disgusting to look at and it makes me sick.

Anyway, on Sunday I went to see the noon showing at my local theater. I got there (with 30 minutes to spare), and headed directly for the snack counter. That's when the Socially Retarded Behavior reared its ugly head. I don't know why, but I expected the crowd at THIS movie to be different. It wasn't. It never is. First, the lines were all moving extremely slowly. Why? Because the idiots in the queue didn't really know what they were going to order until they actually got to the front. Hey, it's a movie theater! They have the same crap every single time! How about making up your mind BEFORE you get to the counter?

With about four people to go, the fat couple in their early 20's at the front of the line all of a sudden (and without warning) got a hankerin' for some nachos. Nachos?? These people are about to see a movie which graphically depicts the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, and they're going to eat NACHOS??? I'm not sure, but I think that's blasphemy. Everyone knows that popcorn and Coke is the respectful snack at a movie like this. Predictably, the concession stand was out of nachos, so the clerk had to go in the back and pull out the "fresh" stale chips and greasy liquid cheese. I'm no expert on food, but isn't cheese supposed to be a solid? I won't go near cottage cheese, and I'm sure as hell not interested in eating something that's in the wrong form (like liquid hamburger or solid gravy). Liquid cheese is about as appealing as gaseous cheese (which is a nice way of saying 'flatulence').

After five minutes, my fat friends got their nachos. Of course only then did they decide they might need some napkins and straws (so the rest of us chumps are left waiting while they fumble with the over-stuffed napkin dispenser). After another minute, it's finally down to a woman and her daughter (then me). My hopes for a quick finale ended, however, when the woman (who had a coupon for some combo or something) decided it would be fun to let her six-year-old daughter order. Here's how it went:

I immediately get my food, I pay, and I march off to the auditorium (having already stuffed some napkins in my pocket while waiting for my order). I grab a seat just as the clock strikes noon. And - THE MOVIE STARTS! That's right - NO PREVIEWS. One of the great side-effects of not being able to find a major distributor for this movie was the fact that there were no advertisements or previews. We're off to a good start. Just for luck I grab a big handful of popcorn, when I realize something's terribly wrong. It's DRY. That dumbass clerk didn't drench my popcorn in that fake butter that I like so much. Curse him!!!

Of course, the socially retarded people in attendance (combined with my horrible dry popcorn) was quickly put in its proper contest ("completely meaningless") as James Caviezel gave an incredible performance reenacting the last day in the life of Jesus. This film was quite frankly brilliant. After a somewhat slow start, I was treated ('subjected' is a better term) to the last several hours of Christ's life (in the most brutally violent movie I've ever seen). It's one thing to see some gangster being chopped up in Goodfellas (or some drug dealer getting shot full of holes in Pulp Fiction). But when it's Jesus up there, it hurts. I wasn't watching this from a religious standpoint, but as a moviegoer. The movie was incredible.

Did I see any evidence of anti-Semitism? No. True, one of the Jewish leaders had crooked teeth, but so did Jesus. So did everybody else in the movie (as well as most of the audience). So get over it. The Romans were truly brutal. They laughed and joked and had a grand old time as they ripped Jesus' flesh apart with their whips. By the time the crucifixion scene started, everyone in the theater was stone silent. All I could hear was muffled crying. It was more than a movie, it was an event.

The only complaint I had about The Passion is that it didn't show enough of Christ's life BEFORE the day he was crucified. There was very little context of why he was so loved (and hated). I think I smell a prequel. If Gibson does decide to make another of these movies, I won't hesitate to see it. The movie is too violent for children younger than about 15. It is a visual kick to the gut for all who see it. When it was over, everyone got up and quietly left. At that time, the fact that Ketchup Boy is leading in the polls (or whatever crap I had to look forward to at work on Monday) seemed far less important.