On Thursday, 27-year-old journalist Alexandra Polier once again found herself at the center of a firestorm, as she tried to downplay her relationship with presidential candidate Michael Cooper. "He's just a friend," she insisted in an interview to be aired next week on ABC. When pressed by Diane Sawyer to detail Cooper's alleged boorish behavior, Polier responded "We went out for coffee a couple of times. He's a nice guy and a gentlemen. I feel like I can be myself when I'm with him."

 

Noted relationship expert Tom Leykis had this to say: "As any man can tell you, the words "nice guy" are tantamount to saying that the man in question is about as attractive as a leper. Women often use codewords like "nice" and "gentleman" in order to avoid hurting a guy's feelings. But it's pretty clear by her comments that not only did she NOT have sex with Michael Cooper, she wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. He can keep buying her lattes all he wants, but he's in denial if he thinks it'll get him anywhere."

 

It had been reported earlier in the week by such reliable sources as Hollywood Bullshit and Cooper for President that Michael Cooper had been romantically involved with Ms. Polier. However, mainstream news sources such as Fox News and Star Magazine have concluded that it was most likely an attempt by the Cooper for President team to boost Mr. Cooper's image among Democraps. If the alleged rumors were found to be true, it would most certainly lock in Cooper as the Democratic frontrunner. If not, John Kerry would most likely end up as the nominee.

 

When asked for comment, horseface DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe said "Hey, I don't care WHO the nominee is, as long as it's a white male and he can beat Bush. All that matters to me at this point is that Bush loses and Al Qaida and the foreign terrorists in Iraq are emboldened to attack our troops. I'll go on record as saying I'd rather have this country blown to bits than see Bush re-elected."

 

By Friday morning, Cooper had toned down his rhetoric somewhat, insisting that he NEVER claimed he had sexual relations with Ms. Polier. However, his campaign manager (and sister) Sarah Cooper-Payton is working overtime in order to come up with a Cooper-Polier handshake photo.