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To date, here is the "hate mail" I've received
A guy calling himself "Chuck Norris" (obviously not his real name, so I'll use it) wrote this little gem:
"You are an idiot. Any interplanetary exploration will never happen for oil. Mars rover fake?
- maybe, but so are you.
You appear to be a government propagandist tasked with the job of making all people who can see
past lies look crazy instead of observant. That's a critical element of any police state."
Thanks for the email, "Chuck." And give yourself a big pat on the back for concluding that
I'm a "fake." That's right, I'm not an actual 'tard running for president, but I'm sure most of the public has been fooled.
Please don't blow my cover. Oh, and I'm sad to report that I'm not being paid by the government for making the Reynolds Wrap
Foil Hat wearing crowd look like idiots. They do that all by themselves. I'm actually doing this site in order to get the
government to stop spying on me through my shower head (and the mini-cam they implanted in my navel when I had my
appendectomy).
Here's an angry letter I received from someone who signed it "anonymous" (although her name is clearly shown in the email
address). The subject line said "You've got some nerve."
"To Whom it May Concern,
I stumbled across this little article about "sexiest traitor alive" Johnny Depp. You've got some fucking
nerve to say things like:
"Let's all pray to Jesus that he finally gets cancer from all those cigarettes he's been
smoking on and off screen for so many years. Oh yeah, and that his 'wife' gets breast cancer, leaving their bastard kids to
fend for themselves."
Do you even know what it's like to have someone you know with cancer? And how dare you bring
Jesus into your wishing someone to get cancer so their children have to "fend for themselves?"
I don't know who wrote this, but I'm more than sure you know how much of a complete jackass you are.
It hurts so much when people make idiotic jokes about cancer, much less talk about it at all. If you were as talanted,
admired, and loved as much as someone like Depp, you wouldn't be writing shit like this.
anonymous"
Wow! Yeah, that article was pretty harsh. I'm sorry that you have someone so close to you with cancer. However, I think you have a more pending medical
problem. It's called a Cinderella Complex. You seem to be fixated on Johnny Depp and have some sort of fantasy that he's going
to have sex with you if you stick up for him. I hate to break the news, but unless your name is Winona Ryder, he
doesn't know you (or I) exist. You seemed to indicate that you're a Christian. I'd be interested in what your priest, pastor
or whatever had to say about worshipping false idols.
You mentioned that I'm not as talented or as loved as Depp. I'm definitely not as admired or as talented.
However, I can assure I am just as loved as he is (and I'm not just talking about my pet goat). One does not need to
be famous in order to be loved (I've got a family, who I'm pretty sure loves me as much as Depp's kids love him). As far as
his fans "loving" him goes, you picked the wrong word. It's not love, it's infatuation.
But let's get down to to the root of the matter. I'm not as good looking as Johnny
Depp. Let's be honest, if Depp looked like one of the contestants on "Average Joe," people wouldn't give a flying
fuck about what people said about him. If a man talks about Paris Hilton or Pam Anderson, why is it that women will always
get away with saying he's "thinking with his penis?" We've all heard it a million times, and yet men are at least
honest enough to say they'd like to bang some hot celebrity chick rather than trying to elevate them into something they're
not (which is what women did with JFK Jr., and what many women do with Johnny Depp).
Screw Johnny Depp. Joking that he should get cancer (from smoking, which CAUSES cancer) is nothing
compared to him calling America a "dumb puppy" and a "broken toy." He is a dirtbag and a prick (which seems just
fine to some people). And yes he IS an excellent actor. So what? Does that mean I lose MY freedom of speech? Didn't think
so.
Finally, I didn't want to say this, but I feel that now is the time. I have breast cancer.
That's right. I only have eight weeks to live, and because we don't have socialized medicine, I'm going to die in the streets
(and end up as nothing more than a Hot Pocket to the thousands of rats that dwell in my ghetto). If Gore were president, this
would never have happened. And I know that Jesus doesn't cause people to get cancer. Jesus is all about
love and forgiveness. Screw that, I'm converting to Islam. Say what you want about Islam, but Allah knows how to kick some
serious booty.
Best regards,
'Coop
Here's one from Elvira (in Florida, I think):
"You need to put your "great love for your country" ( I lived in Argentina and saw
it implode with the same words from the pricks that destroyed it--"Viva la Patria") in the front of your brain. You are creepy
and scary."
Thanks for that fascinating history lesson, Elvira. I was totally unaware that
Argentina was attacked by Islamo-fascists, then (after a brief period of unity and resolve) the people went back into their
slumber of arguing about gay marriage and "free" health care while their country was overrun by illegal aliens and
destroyed by sleeper cells. You learn something every day!
Oh, and sorry I scared you. Would you like your blankee?
Finally, here's an email from Wes (subject line: "Thinking preceeds grammar... well sometimes"):
"Judging from your oh so literate FAQ, you might want to be a little less
critical of Democratic thought processes given that it appears you seem to be unable to form a coherent sentence Mr. WingNut.
Whacko wingers ought to expect a bit better than this armature hour drivel don't you agree?
(Quoting the Cooper Site) Q: I'm very angry at you! I'm
a Democrap, and I hate the War on Terror. We would never have been attacked on 9/11 if Gore had been elected! Bush Lied, They
Died! Hey Hey Ho Ho!! Where can I send you a letter?
A: Nowhere. You're obviously too stupid for form a coherent opinion.
Go watch Sesame Street and smoke a bowl. That's more up your alley. Oh yeah, and Phish is coming to town. Go throw yourself
in front of their tour bus."
I have to admit it, Wes, you got me! Over 100 pages and you found one example of poor editing.
I've fixed the error (please feel free to point out more). But here's the problem: While I appreciate you pointing out
the error, I think you're a bit premature in your claim that it somehow proves I'm "unable to form a coherent
sentence." Was that the only sentence on my website?
If there's one thing that writing about Socially Retarded Behavior has taught me, it's that grammatical
errors, spelling errors, and sloppy editing are not "proof" that somebody's argument (or logic) is invalid. Pointing out an
occasional grammatical or spelling error is the absolute cheapest form of "winning" an argument (as well as uber-socially
retarded). In fact, I edited out the errors of the above "hate mail" letters before puting them up on the site. I could have
kept them in (and made fun of them), but it's beneath me.
By the way, you misspelled "precedes" in your subject line. And I believe you meant to say "amateur
hour" instead of "armature hour." Don't worry, I won't hold it against you. Anyway, enjoy the Phish concert.
Best,
Cooper
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