This week, in keeping with his tradition of throwing things over the White House fence (somebody else's war medals, his credibility, his political future), Senator John Kerry tossed an unnamed female intern over the wall in front of a group of horrified onlookers.

 

The Drudge Report has reported that Kerry has been having an affair with the intern since last year (which would explain his recent use of the phrase "bring it on" as a campaign slogan). It has also been reported that he has asked the "staffer" to leave the country. Furthermore, noted crackpot General Wesley Clark allegedly said to a group of reporters this week that the Kerry Campaign was going to 'implode' over 'an intern issue.' The alleged affair is also listed as the main reason why miserable failure Howard Dean has decided to stay in the race (long after it was clear he had no chance of winning).

 

The intern toss follows a long-standing Kerry tradition of throwing things over the White House fence. In the early 70's, an anti-war Kerry tossed what he claimed were his Vietnam War medals over the fence (it turned out they were someone else's). Over the past two weeks, Kerry has gone all out to throw away any shred of credibility he may have with the American people (by purposefully allowing rumors about Bush's so-called "AWOL" status to flourish, while simultaneously touting his own record as a "war hero").

 

The latest allegations are expected to give a huge boost to the Cooper and Kucinich campaigns. "This is really really cool, dude," said Kucinich spokesperson 12-year-old Seth Dylan Jared. "If like morals and stuff are a big deal, then Americans are gonna want someone who couldn't get a date to save his life. There's nobody who fits that description better than Dennis Kucinich."

 

Michael Cooper's spokesperson (Sarah Cooper-Payton) echoed the sentiment. "You uptight, sexually repressed Americans have been in a tizzy since Janet Jackson's Superbowl incident," she said. "If morals are a top priority, then my brother is your man. He hasn't had a date for years. I've even tried paying women to go out with him. As far as I know he spends his evenings watching Star Trek reruns with Dennis Kucinich. I can honestly say you won't have to worry about any blue dress if you vote for Cooper."

 

It is not yet determined whether it was his OWN intern Kerry tossed over the fence, and not someone else's. We will keep you updated as the situation changes.

 

In a related story, it was noted today that Senator Hillary Roddam Clinton was seen laughing maniacally and rubbing her hands together saying "I love it when our plan comes together." We'll let you know what that means as soon as we figure it out ourselves.